Hey. If you have problems communicating with classmates, then you discovered the desired article... Peers can be angry, cruel, and envious. Today I will tell you how to be, what you should definitely not do and who it is better to turn to for help with the problem "I am being bullied at school."
Evil classmates
Honestly, I had problems in one school, from which I later left. I was not popular, I was not invited to birthdays, I was not invited to parties. I was on my own, a loner. But I solved this problem and I never had such stories again.
Why do children bully each other at school? Of course, most often the objects of ridicule are those who look different from everyone else. Because of the fullness, because of the glasses, because of the colored strands of hair and so on. They make fun of the clothes, the briefcase, whatever. It also happens that the bigger guys hit because of the appearance of the weaker ones.
Children are particularly cruel towards their peers. I don't know why you are in trouble. Write about them in the comments and together we will figure out what to do in your case.
Don't think about revenge
The first thing I want to warn you against is revenge. Even if you think you can't take it anymore, you shouldn't resort to retaliating. I'm not saying that you shouldn't fight back, but you definitely shouldn't take revenge and make some minor jokes.
Here it is important to understand what you can do and what not. Agree, taking revenge and pouring kefir on your offenders is not the best idea. For this you can fly in from the teachers, then from the parents. But the guys will continue to scoff anyway.
You need to fight back competently and beautifully.
If you are a kid and they beat you, then sign up for karate courses. You will learn and you will be able to pile on your offenders so that they will no longer come close to you. At the same time, you will make friends with the guys from the section and enlist their support. As a rule, athletes stand up for each other with a mountain and will help fight back the villains. And they can also teach how to do it.
If you are a girl and you are offended because of glasses, then ask your parents to buy you lenses. You can look beautiful, but your offenders will not grow wiser. And it would be nice for you to go to a hobby group, there you will meet close-minded friends who can support you.
If you do not have enough courage, you do not know where to start, how to start changing correctly, then the article "" is especially for you! Read it and you can change, become more confident and courageous.
Where to find support
It is very important to have close and dear people who will support you and give you strength.
You can find help from your favorite teacher. It is not necessary to tell all the details if you are afraid that the guys will consider you a yabid. Just speak out, tell me what torments you, ask what to do. Adults can really help you.
Also, don't forget that you have a mom and dad. Parental support is very important and we need it throughout our lives. Yes, they may not understand many things, but they will always try to help you. Do not forget about it. Parents, based on their childhood experiences, can help you find several options for stopping peer attacks.
Whether or not to tell adults about your problem is up to you. If you decide not to dedicate anyone, a diary may come in handy. At one time he helped me a lot, and now he is always with me. I just wrote down all my thoughts, everything that happened to me.
Do you have friends in class? If not, but you really want to make a girlfriend, then it will be useful for you to read the article "". There I describe in detail how and where you can meet a person who will understand you and you will find common topicsinteresting to both of you.
If you have a friend, but you are not sure about him, then the article "" is especially for you.
Mind your life
And in the end I would like to give you the most important advice - take care of yourself. Do what you are interested in, develop, learn new things, be open. Ignore the offensive and caustic words of other guys. They say it out of envy, because of their problems.
At school, a friend of mine had a terrible bully boy. He constantly offended and mocked everyone. Nobody could handle him. A friend said: I'm a girl, what can I do against him? As a result, it turned out that his parents drank a lot and beat him at home. That is why he behaved this way at school.
Understand that the reason for the banter is not always in you. Often, the offender himself goes through difficult times and does not know how to take out his inner anger in another way.
One teenager asked me: I am a boy, I must be able to stand up for myself, but I absolutely do not know what to do. If you are a kid, then be more confident in yourself, teach how to fight back in a fight and do not allow yourself to be a punching bag.
If you are going to talk to your mom or dad about your difficult situation, you can read the article "". Do not be afraid, I do not give any terrible advice there, you can see for yourself.
Read very interesting books by Vladislav Krapivin, they will help you decide how to deal with difficult situations in which you do not know how to behave.
Tell me why the guys pester you? What is the joke about and how do you try to fight it? Does anyone in your household know about the situation at school? Do teachers react to such stories?
Everything will be alright!
Everyone knows that teasing, confiscation of personal belongings, gossip make our life miserable. And if this happens to a student, then in general a disaster. Unable copes with bullying classmates, the child goes to school every day as to hard labor. Familiar situation?
Very often you hear that you need to not pay attention and put up with this situation. But how? After all, there is no mood, and thoughts are far from being occupied with studies. And there is no way to complain to the class teacher - this will further inflame the situation. Some kind of vicious circle!
Let's try to figure out why this is happening. Surely it's no secret to you that children are cruel. And the manifestation of aggression is just a way to assert itself at the expense of another. You must admit that at the age of 9-16 it is almost unrealistic to boast of great achievements: a successful company, published a book or bought an expensive car on your own. So the children are looking for a way of self-affirmation. Is it cruel? Yes, it's a natural law: the fittest survives. Remember, mocked over those who show weakness. But you don't think you're weak, do you? And not one person in the world believes that he is like that. So, you need to become more confident and fight back. Try to respond with confidence and humor to every mockery. Practice with a friend or in front of a mirror. Remember, feedback can be very helpful. Appreciate yourself, honey! Uncertainty is felt from afar, but a confident person is difficult to catch and offend. It is better not to look for flaws in yourself, but to learn to emphasize your merits.
You will also need to rethink your life values \u200b\u200band priorities. Don't be too accommodating and kind. Believe me, you should not give to cheat homework or test work on demand. For some reason in modern world such girls are considered rags.
Learn to be friends! Friends can and should be chosen. Expand your circle of communication. At your age, it often happens that friends are chosen only because it is prestigious to be friends with them. But if such a friend laughs at you, then you should boldly replace him. And don't be sorry! Being kind and gentle is good, but self-esteem is better.
Do not be afraid of your abuser... Better get up the courage and confidence and ask what he or she wants from you. This, of course, will not help you much, but sometimes it can puzzle the offender and make you think about the reasons for your behavior.
Or maybe the reason is in you? Maybe you do not look too well-groomed and are afraid even of your own shadow? Don't be offended, but these are good reasons to be bullied. Tell me, how can others respect you if you don't respect yourself? The ability to express your thoughts and defend your interests needs to be learned. Yes, it's hard, but it's real. Love yourself, become interesting, witty, and many problems will simply leave your life.
This article will discuss topics such as bullying and conflict in school. It will consider the main reasons for this phenomenon, as well as ways to combat this phenomenon. Bullying can occur not only in schools, it can be found in other educational institutions and in the army. But the principles will be the same. The article will be useful for both schoolchildren and students, and their parents.
Causes of bullying and conflict
There are a lot of reasons, everything is simply impossible to list. The most common reason for this is weak character. If a child has a weak character and this is very noticeable, he becomes the ideal object of bullying. Perhaps you remember your school days, perhaps it was you who had such a character that everyone ridiculed and beat. The reason for this gentleness of character may be maternal upbringing.Too gentle upbringing of the mother (most often in families without a father) leads to a soft character of the child. Often, this hierarchy does not last long, and it lasts for a certain period of time. We will consider the methods of struggle a little later. The next possible reason is a "white crow", not like everyone else. If the child looks, talks, does something differently than the majority, then increased attention from others may follow. Of course, the result will be the well-known persecution. There is also such a factor as race.
In many schools in Moscow and other large cities of Russia, Caucasians have been studying for a long time. The propaganda of interethnic hatred on the Internet and such nonsense provokes conflicts between schoolchildren of different nationalities. Either Caucasian schoolchildren oppress Russian schoolchildren, or Russian schoolchildren are actively fighting Caucasians. Such showdowns happen with a very sad ending, but they occur only in large cities of Russia. Do not overlook the young men, who fully deserve these mockery, only they should be directed to the benefit and dosed within reasonable limits. You can list all the other reasons for violence, but we will analyze only the main ones.
The reason for this attitude towards the child can be the prohibitions on everything and injustice in the family. This already makes the child ready for subsequent bullying. Very often he tries to hide his depression and tendency to bullying. Such a child usually arrives with severe depression. The cause may be a certain illness (most often mental), especially when this illness somehow manifests itself. In theory, a person can have deviations, but they can be invisible. This type is not subject to bullying, but if the disease manifests itself, then bullying is guaranteed. The variety of reasons depends on the students themselves, on their upbringing and character. For example, in a rural school there is one reason for the conflict, in a cool capital gymnasium there is another.
The principle is the same. The cause of conflicts is everything that can attract the attention of others. The etchers may simply envy the other person's success, they may hate the taste of the clothes. It happens when the etchants simply hit someone weaker than themselves for self-affirmation. Even if your son or daughter deserves punches and insults, then this should not be bullying, but the right impact. It is upbringing that you should be busy with. To educate is not just beating with a belt. Education is the right impact on the child, what can be done and what not. Education must be carried out correctly so that in the end the child understands how to behave in a given situation. There are a lot of reasons, now it will be important to consider the types of bullying.
How schoolchildren are bullied and bullied
Classic insults are the most famous weapon of school humiliation around the world. In our time of technology, schoolchildren can use very strong curses. Sometimes even a simple joke about mom can lead to severe resentment or suicide of the victim. There is such a type of oppression of the victim as beating. It is the second most common in the world. It is used less often because of the criminal liability for severe beatings. But all the same, this method is used, but this is all done with the utmost care. It is always the most dangerous, the first and second methods can intersect and be used simultaneously. The beatings are always applied so that no traces are left.
There are many more types of bullying, but not only peers can be etchants. Sometimes teachers are involved in the bullying. How exactly does a teacher mock a child? The simplest thing: to expose him to the whole class (punishes the whole class because of one thing), exhausting him with constant calls to the blackboard, lying and unfounded complaints about him (accusing him of doing something that he did not commit), ordinary humiliation (often in front of the whole class ), physical injury (always used by male teachers). At school, there are frank frames from the teacher. For example, a student is late for a lesson and for this the teacher punishes the whole class. Yes, it sounds silly, but someone has to answer for everything? Right?
What if you are being bullied?
In this situation, there will be several reliable ways to solve this problem. Alternatively, you can change your educational institution or school. It would be more correct for you to find a new educational institution so that it is as far away from the previous place of study as possible. If this is an army, then in such a situation other methods of solving the problem are used. First, the best way to avoid bullying in the army is to simply not get there. You can decide for yourself whether to go there or not, I will not voice further actions. The second method, to solve the problem of bullying in an educational institution, is by making the transition to home schooling. This is a very reliable solution that will help you one hundred percent to avoid another portion of beatings and ridicule. This method will help you concentrate more on your studies, individual work with the student helps a lot to improve grades.If a student is being bullied by teachers, then they can become even tougher, as the teacher will be alone with the victim. The solution is simple, parents can file a complaint against an aggressive teacher, and in the end he will be fired. You can generally turn to law enforcement agencies with a statement. They will fire him only if the actions are really illegal or not characteristic of the teacher's behavior. You can demand from the school administration to replace the teacher with another. If all the teachers bully the student, then it is much safer to change schools as quickly as possible. This method is not ideal for a teenager who needs companionship or has no friends. After all, being at home without communication is unlikely to contribute to the normal development of a child.
You can send a student to some sports section or camp, where he will be able to maintain the necessary communication. If a child is withdrawn and does not know how to communicate, then special classes with a psychologist or psychotherapist should be conducted with him, preferably with a practicing specialist who has experience working with such children. Do not contact a school psychologist, in most cases they do not have experience working with such students, and in most cases they will do everything against him. Do not go to psychiatrists for no real reason! If your child is withdrawn, it does not mean that he is sick with something. In the presence of obvious mental disorders, specialist intervention is required, and as soon as possible. A psychiatrist will always see a disease in your child if he is somehow different from other students. The next method is needed only if you could not apply the first two for your personal reasons. If you decide to stay in your educational institution where they mock at you, I will give you some simple tips that have helped many and work flawlessly. Firstly, most often any conflict is a fight or swearing. And in order to win it, you need to have the skills of wrestling, most school bully loves to practice martial arts.
Due to the fact that school hooligans cannot show themselves in the ring with the same strong fighters as they are, they prefer to look for someone weaker and assert themselves. It is preferable for you or your child to start training in martial arts with a good coach, but martial arts should be contact and as close as possible to a fight. You should not get carried away with areas such as aikido, it looks beautiful, especially in movies, but in a fight you will see that it is useless. If you don't believe me try to work out in this direction and similar systems like thekvodno and go into sparring with a sambist or a boxer. Beautiful kicks and turntables simply do not roll against a more or less technical contact fighter. For fun, practice taekwondo and spar against a normal boxer.
For example, a very good single combat is Thai boxing or combat sambo. It is very bad if your child does not like such sports, then no matter how much you send him, the result will not be achieved. It is even worse if one of the etchants is engaged in the section. In such a situation, simply ask the coach to control this teenager, or talk about his exploits outside the ring. A normal coach will immediately kick out such a student, if the coach is not normal then it is more rational to leave the section and look for another. Can choose any other sport, not necessarily martial arts.
Sports such as rugby or hockey are very suitable. But the most important thing is physical strength, then you need to look for a section of weightlifting or kettlebell lifting. But a better option would be a gym, it is athleticism and the study of all the muscles of the body that contribute to victory in a fight. Many people say that the barbell and dumbbells ensnare the muscles, this is partly true. If you use anabolic steroids and other supplements, work only in a strength mode, train only one muscle, then the muscles can really be constrained and the impact slows down. Do not just “pump bituha and pressuha” in the gym, do a comprehensive study of the whole body. You need to train with a good practicing coach, as a lot depends on him. At home, and even without sparring, learning to fight is unlikely to work. But you can find video tutorials on self-defense on the Internet and study something at home, lessons should be watched from trusted people who have trained someone and themselves have results and practical knowledge. You need to purchase a punching bag and practice certain punches on it. If it's expensive, you can do it yourself, there are many home bag options on the Internet. You will be able to independently develop the power of the blow, the speed and accuracy of the blow. You need to find out about this on the Internet, you can still stuff your hands to strengthen the fist.
If you have the opportunity, ask a friend and relative to conduct a few sparring sessions to practice the learned technique. If it is not possible to go to the hall, you can make the hall yourself. A good way is to purchase a barbell or dumbbells for training, it is very good if you purchase a lot of other sports equipment such as resistance bands, kettlebells, horizontal bar and parallel bars. You can limit yourself to dumbbells or a barbell, in extreme cases you can do it yourself, the Internet to help. Exercises on the horizontal bar and uneven bars, push-ups from the floor, jump rope, dumbbells and running are very useful. Running is very important! If the child cannot beat the abuser, then he can easily escape. The best equipment is a barbell or dumbbells; at the sight of a muscular and strong guy, many offenders immediately lose the desire to scoff. An exception may be the case when the offender is a young scumbag who can take up arms, any martial art is powerless against a knife.
With the help of these tips, you will not become a tough fighter, perhaps you will not become a tough fighter at all by practicing at home alone. But you can win at the expense of your physical strength and mass, which is obtained by doing iron. If your offender is not a world champion, then with your strength it will not be difficult for you to fight back this scumbag. School hooligans are rarely world champions, a real fighter will not assert himself by beating the weak, a real fighter is more educated, he will better show his strength in the ring.
In this regard, you are seriously winning. There is such a topic as the use of weapons. In case of a child's unwillingness to engage in martial arts and a gym, the idea of \u200b\u200barming a student comes to mind. This method can be used if a teenager is studying with thugs. Such people are not afraid of muscles and a black belt. It is better to leave such a school, but as an option, you can carry a weapon with you. It should be non-lethal and with maximum damaging effect. A gas cartridge will do, preferably proven and working varieties. A stun gun, brass knuckles, and just an ordinary baton (telescopic) can do. In the event of an attack, it should be used so as not to result in death or serious injury. Any other actions can be attributed to necessary self-defense.
These were all the main tips that helped many, you can look for miracles and risk the life of your child, but best of all, with any hints of frostbite at school, leave as quickly and further as possible. Good luck in your difficult struggle.
Girlfriend is the most close person, she knows all your innermost secrets, she will support, understand. But it so happens that you have to take revenge on your friend: she, who only recently advised you how to make peace with your beloved and kept secret about everything, speaks nasty things behind your back, takes your boyfriend away from you, substitutes you or mocks you.
Of course for revenge need reasons, and if they are, then it is best to act on the basis of the cause of the quarrel, but general methods can be used.
- Some psychologists say that the worst revenge is indifference. She did you a dirty trick or simply stopped communicating, and you, as if nothing had happened, live peacefully. This behavior of yours will really hurt her, most likely, she will think that you did not need her before.
- Can dishonor her in front of all friends, but it is advisable to do it anonymously, because not all friends will understand you correctly. You know her secrets, secrets, dreams and fears - use them against her.
- Most likely, she has some kind of complexes or real disadvantages, try substitute herso that these disadvantages appear before everyone.
- The main enemy for her is she herself. She did you badly, so tell me about it. What she did badly to her best friend already shows her from a bad side, and many people, having learned about this, turn their backs on her, or at least change their minds about her.
But, never decide in a rush, revenge is a dish that is served cold.
How to take revenge on a friend for betrayal?
A friend is the closest person and suddenly this close person betrayed you, what to do?
Most often, you need to "knock out a wedge with a wedge", only the wedge needs to be used "more seriously" and more.
let's consider several situations and their solutions.
- Your girlfriend behind your back spread rumors about you. You need to refute these rumors, then she will be a liar for everyone and you can still tell something about her, the truth is better (you are not a liar).
- She told your secrets. Translate all this into a joke and a lie, the main thing is to show it plausibly that there is nothing wrong with the fact that someone has found out, no.
- A friend made fun of you in front of your friends. The main defense is an attack, answer it in kind, laugh at it, only the reason must be serious.
- A friend found you a replacement, but I stopped communicating with you, in such a situation, in my opinion, there is only one way out to ignore it, live and enjoy life. Just imagine how uncomfortable she will be when her ex-girlfriend is happy without her.
- Girlfriend is jealous and therefore lies to you all the time, if the truth is revealed to you, try not to hack off your shoulder, but calm down and use this lie against her, fight her with her own methods.
School is the place where we study and spend most of the day.
- You study with your already ex-girlfriend in one class? Then everything is simple - let's start the class. notes on her shortcomings, we make fun of her answers at the blackboard at recess, we put buttons on the chair, we smear it with glue.
Most often, if you tell a couple of classmates that she did you bad, they will support you and help her take revenge.
- The second way to get revenge on a friend at school is make her an outcast. Turn all classmates against her, tell them that she spoke badly about them, what she did, something out of the ordinary and tell them that you want to boycott her, most likely they will support you.
- Substitute her. Try to give her a good grade in the magazine, so much so that it is noticeable. Cruel, but then the anger of the teacher and parents will fall on her. You can write something bad for her in her diary, paint her library textbooks. (There is one "but", if they find out that it is you, then you will be much worse than her).
- Put her cigarettes on her in a jacket or briefcase. Parents will find them. One drawback - she can find them earlier.
- Cover her in the closet or push her out of the gym in her underwear. She will be very ashamed.
- Is there a photo in which your friend didn't work out at all or a photo when you were fooling around with her? We print and paste on her way to school and lay out on desks for all classmates. She will be very upset.
It is advisable that classmates do not find out that it is you, because they can turn away from you and take her side.
How to take revenge on a friend who stole a guy?
If your boyfriend was taken away from you, of course, you should think about whether your boyfriend was worthy of you, that he could leave you for your girlfriend.
The first way take revenge on a friend - take him away again. If he left you so easily, then you can just as easily return him. By any means, make him leave her and return to you, promise him mountains of gold, paradise. He will definitely return. This will show that he does not need her, and you can even take revenge on the guy.
Second way - break it off. Buy a new SIM card, start writing her love messages. Describe yourself with better side (introduce yourself as a handsome sportsman, with money, at work, with a good car), correspond with her, confess your love, after a while offer to meet, but it is desirable that she agreed not only for an evening together.
Now we choose one of three sequels.
The first
On a date, you send the guy she took away and tell him in paints how she talked with another behind his back, what she promised him. And let them figure it out on their own, so you will take revenge on her and show him to whom he exchanged you.
Second
Ask her friend to go on a date with her (she shouldn't know him). Here, too, the action plan branches:
- you can take a photo of their meeting and send the photo to her boyfriend;
- ask a friend, as soon as she comes, to say that he did not represent her like that, tell her nasty things and leave.
More effective, because, most likely, she does not really hold on to the guy. Once I went on a date with another.
Third
She sits and waits for the handsome prince, somewhere in half an hour you need to call her and say that it was a divorce.
- Deceive her. Lie to her that your boyfriend is with her just because you made a bet with him that he will divorce you for sex / kissing or something, and thus also prove that she is a bad friend.
- You were friends, you know which boys she likes, or maybe you know the boy she wanted to be with. There are two ways 1. start dating him or 2. tell him everything and ask for help. The rest is simple. You say that you are not angry with your friend and invite her for a walk, tell her about your “new boyfriend” and say that he asked about her, that you were even offended at first.
She will definitely look for a meeting with him, and he (at your request) will sew her off, and rudely.
How to take revenge on a friend for a setup?
- A friend did meanness, and said that you did it. Revenge is not an option here, first you need to meet with a friend and those whom she hurt and figure it out, ask her to prove your guilt.
After your innocence is proven, you can choose any of the methods presented in the article and act.
- This happens at work, at the institute or at school, for example, you did not have time to do something or did not finish it and asked to cover it up, but a friend paid attention to you and you were punished / given a two.
In this case, you also need to substitute her or delete from her computer a term paper / abstract / control or just the desired file and see what happens to her.
- As funny as it sounds, your girlfriend can set you up one way of revengewhich are presented here. Then re-read the article and here you will find a way out.
How to take revenge on a friend in contact?
The easiest way is revenge over the internet and not only acquaintances will find out about it. Contact - social network, in which the majority of users are people from 10 to 30 years old. Desirable for revenge in contact use the "left" page.
- The first way violent but very popular. Chances are, you have a photo of your girlfriend half-naked.
We take this photo, write her phone number, page address on it, sign intimate services or a desire to get to know each other and add it to various groups. The effect will not be long in coming.
- Second way - compromising. In dialogues we find correspondence with her, where she speaks unpleasantly about someone or tells something that no one should know.
We remove our name, leave it, of course, and send it to friends and to her from the same "left" page. She will understand who sent it out, but it won't help her anymore. If there are no such correspondence, then talk to her about this topic.
- Make a copy of her page, write to everyone that it was hacked and it needs to be banned and removed urgently. It will take a long time to understand. What happened to her page, and she won't have any friends.
- You most likely have bad photos in which your friend did not come out well or photos that are left from the time when you were fooling with her.
Choose the "good" ones and send them to the wall, let everyone see them. Delete? Add yourself to the album and bookmark it.
In conclusion, I want to tell you a little parable of modern life, from which you can take a lot of useful things.
Two neighbors quarreled. The reason for the quarrel was insignificant and was quickly forgotten, but one neighbor remained angry with another. I decided to take revenge on him, stopped talking to him, saying hello. And the neighbor opposite, when meeting him, began to smile and greet him first, as if nothing had happened. From the inability to take revenge and bring the neighbor out of his calm state, the angry neighbor began to shake with anger, everything free time he thought about a new way of revenge, so much so that in the end he would lime his neighbor.
He cut off a few meters of a neighbor's telephone wire and smeared paint on his door. He began to wait for indignation and scandal from a neighbor. A week later, other neighbors come to him and thank him. When he damaged the wires, the utility decided to replace all the old wiring in the house. Here the neighbor had a heart attack from rage. An ambulance took him to the hospital.
When he returned home and decided to ask his neighbor why he did not take revenge on all his intrigues. The neighbor smiled and said: “Why? You did everything for me yourself. The best way to get revenge after an argument is to be happy and indifferent. "
I want to say that I myself did not take revenge on anyone, but many wanted to. Before taking revenge, think a few times because evil often comes back and it will be bad even without your revenge. Our life is a boomerang. As an example I will give a story from my life, a friend betrayed me (lied to me, promised and did not fulfill), I did not communicate with him for six months.
In my heart I forgave him a month later, although at first I really wanted to mess with him, now we talk again. He came to me and asked for forgiveness, now everything is very good with us and I am sure that this will not happen again. People need to be given a second chance, but if a person has not corrected himself, then only a good lesson will help!
Video: The girl got revenge
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Psychologists say that every person can be "read like a book." It is enough just to look at his behavior. So you can also pay attention ...
If your child has fallen out of favor with peers, you should not sit back, believes psychologist Svetlana Merkulova... How to act in this situation, she told AiF.ru.
Victim and executioner
Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Svetlana, which children are more likely than others to become the objects of bullying and ridicule by their peers?
Svetlana Merkulova: Any child can be ridiculed in the school team. But not everyone becomes the object of harassment and bullying. Such a situation is a signal to think about what the child's relationship is with his own boundaries.
The topic of violated boundaries is more likely rooted in the family, when a child may be told that he has no right to own opinionwhen his actions are severely criticized. They are pushed around all the time, pulled up and thus instilled uncertainty in their own dignity and strengths, the child is weaned from defending himself. Therefore, it is highly likely that in society he will have to face the same.
And the other extreme of violation of boundaries is children with overestimated demands on the outside world, who believe that everyone owes them everything; these are such "stars" that receive everything at once.
- I always thought that when a person thinks that everyone owes him, he a priori will not become an object of persecution.
- If he has something to offer society, besides his requirement that everyone loved him simply because he is, then yes, you are right. But if he simply says: “You owe me everything,” then there is a high probability that the team will reject him. In a family, such a child is placed on a pedestal, he is worshiped. He comes to the team and expects the same from his peers, but faces different realities. And it's painful for him. In other words, children who are bullied are often characterized by emotional and social immaturity, vulnerability, non-compliance with norms and unwritten rules.
- What should be the attitude of parents to a child so as not to raise a potential victim for classmates?
- Initially, a child should be perceived by adults as a person, and not as an extension of himself. Yes, you gave birth to this person, but at the same time he is not you and has the right to his outlook on life, possibly different from yours. Respect your child.
When a baby comes into this world, he knows nothing. The adult's task is to explain how everything works. Even with a small child, you need to talk respectfully so that there is contact, and in the future he is not afraid to share his feelings, thoughts and problems with you. The first conflicts can arise even in kindergarten. And they are good because they are not as dangerous as in school. Using their example, the child can learn to cope with the situation with the help of adults. Therefore, there is no need to try to protect children from such stories.
- With the victims - understandable. Then what kind of upbringing do the offenders come from?
- The trick is that the victim and the executioner are two sides of the same coin. And if a child somewhere else, not at school, but at home, for example, is a victim, then in order to compensate for this fact, he may become an executioner in his class. Most of the offenders are children from not very prosperous families who grow up on their own. They try to find themselves in this world through aggression. This is a kind of struggle for a place in the sun. And, unfortunately, often such children are ready to go to any lengths in order to gain recognition.
In fact, this is also a cry for help: "Guys, you can't see me, so I'll have to make sure that you finally understand how cool I am." Aggressors are the same victims, because often no one seeks to understand why they act so ugly and harshly, which pushes them to do so. They are told: "You are ugly, you are bad, you should not do this." And the fact is that the child himself is so bad that he wants to take it out "bad" on someone else."You can't do that with me!"
- Following this logic, if one student beat another, then you still need to feel sorry for him?
- No, pity does not help here at all, but rather hurts, because then such children fall into a state of even greater irresponsibility. This is not the point here. You need to talk to children, listen, understand them. It is important to bring such cases for general discussion. Call everything that happens by its proper name. Bullying is bullying and it cannot be called otherwise. We cannot keep silent about this! If adults remain silent, then children will not stop and will begin to sink deeper into this conflict.
It will be good if the teacher initiates such a conversation: “Guys, it seems to me that some injustice is taking place in the class in relation to your classmate II. Explain to me, please, what's going on? What exactly does he not suit you with? " The main thing is to constantly keep your finger on the pulse and not miss the moment when it may be too late. Yes, I said above that the family is of great importance for the child, but when he is at school (up to 6 hours a day), then no less responsibility lies with the teacher. The class teacher should be an attentive mother towards her students. Everyone, without exception, even if this student does not like him for some reason.
- And how should parents behave when their child complains about bullying at school?- As a rule, if a child has good contact with his parents, and he begins to tell them that his relationships with peers are not going well, you can often hear the following phrase from adults: “Give him a head, then he will get off. But in fact, this is one of the extremes that gives rise to the continuation of the conflict. There is one more extreme: “Don't pay attention”. Unfortunately, both of them are a path to nowhere. Not paying attention to the abuser will turn him on even more. He will not untie from your child and, most likely, will increase the pressure exactly until he breaks off.
- Why can't you tell the child: "Give change if you are offended"?
- By giving such advice, you signify your helplessness. You cannot offer anything but the same aggressive behaviorthat another child exhibits. This will not solve the problem.
It is very important to understand that your son or daughter comes and tells his subjective view of the events that have taken place. Yes, the child is unpleasant, yes, it hurts, but here it is necessary to figure it out. Ask the question: "What is it that my son / daughter is doing that his peers allow him to behave this way?"
Of course, the victim is not always to blame. But, nevertheless, there are children who find themselves in similar situations and deal with them, because they are absolutely sure that they cannot be disrespectful to them. And there are children who, on the contrary, are absolutely sure that they can be beaten, called names, humiliated. Here we again return to the parent-child relationship. There is a good phrase: “You can't do that with me, that is. I cannot be beaten, called names, humiliated ”. It is her that adults should put into the head of their own child. In many cases, these words are able to stop the aggressor.- How to properly build a dialogue with the class teacher, if you understand that your child is being offended?
- Right away I want to warn parents against going to school "with a saber bald". There is no need to yell and stamp your feet, proving your case. This should be a constructive dialogue. To make the conversation work, put your emotions aside. It is clear that I feel sorry for the child, I want to punish the offender. But, nevertheless, keep yourself in hand.
Similar tactics should be followed if you decide to talk to the parents of a child who offends your child. Remember: each parent will always defend "his own blood". If you come and start saying, “your boy is insulting my unfortunate son,” then the dialogue will be doomed to failure. Take an adult position - do not slide down to the "sandbox": "you are a fool - no, you are a fool." The resulting conflict is a common problem for your children. If parents begin to negotiate with each other, their children will certainly also meet halfway.
Extreme measures
- What to do in a situation when a child categorically does not want mom or dad to interfere in his conflict with peers?
- In this situation, it is important to let the child understand that if he suddenly fails, you will always come to the rescue. For example: “I respect your decision. Know that I am there no matter what happens and can always help. " Just watch the situation for a while: if it starts to spiral out of control, you as an adult must stop it all. The main thing at the initial stage is to make it clear to your child that he is still under protection, he has a "foundation" on which he can rely, if necessary.
- What signals can indicate that the child is being bullied by peers?
- Mood changes. The child does not want to go to school / kindergarten, whines, says how bad everything is around. He does not tell any interesting stories from the life of the class. Obvious signals - comes in bruises, reports that he has lost a notebook, or simply begins to endlessly "lose" things. This often happens because peers spoil them, take them away, or simply throw them away. It is generally desirable to know the child's friends. And it would be great if they periodically visit your home.- Suppose a child has an acute conflict with peers, can transferring to another school help in this case?
- This is an extreme measure. It's better to deal with a specific team, than to constantly change them. It often happens that a child changes school after school, but cannot make friends with his classmates. In this case, it is necessary to deal with the child himself - what is he doing that society does not accept him? Perhaps he does not trust people, provokes them to do some bad deeds, or behaves aggressively himself.
- And what do you think about the fact that children who cannot fit into the team are transferred to study at home?
- This is a very individual story. You need to watch how emotionally hurt the child is. For someone, indeed, such a step can help to recover, again believe in themselves and become more self-confident. But in parallel, the child will definitely need to go to a psychologist and deal with the situation that has happened. And, most likely, not to him alone, but to the whole family. And when he recovers, "gets on his feet", then you can return to the team.
But if you solve the problem by simply closing your child off from the world, starting to protect him and saying: “Everyone is bad around, and you are extraordinary with us,” then he will never be ready to get out of these hothouse conditions. And this will further exacerbate the problem.
