When not one child grows up in a family, but several, the topic of the relationship between brothers and sisters becomes especially relevant. Many parents, talking about the relationship between children, dream that their children live in love and harmony, be friends with each other, trust, consult and, of course, help each other. Surely each of you, at least once in your life, heard from your parents: “You are the closest people to each other! Why do you swear like a cat and a dog? Who else do you have in this world? "
By listening to stories about the relationship of siblings, one can often gain insight into the problems experienced, which left a deep wound in early childhood. Often these memories of conflicts, rivalry, and feeling jealousy towards one of the parents continue to reopen the wound in adulthood and especially depress your psyche if one of the family members has departed to another world. Feelings of loss are mixed with unsaid words, unspoken grievances, and the most difficult thing is a sense of one's own guilt.
Before me sits a pretty woman, fifty years old, Emilia. Big, laughing eyes sadly look at me over the glasses. Taking a deep breath, she says:
- Today is exactly one year since I buried my sister. Her death came unexpectedly ... a stroke. Sorry, like a lump in the throat, - she explains and trails off. Taking a deep breath, she continues.
I felt very bad when she died. I could not believe that this was really happening, that she was no longer there. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried without stopping until I cried out all the tears. A month later, I began to recover a little - I had some kind of appetite, I was finally able to sleep, and I returned to work.
You know, I couldn't leave her son alone. She divorced his father when Ronen was very young. She offered the boy to move with us, he agreed, and now we live together.
Recently it seems to me that a new wave has covered me and everything has returned again: I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, all my thoughts are occupied by Masha. I constantly dream the same dream, in it I see her, as if in reality. I call her, I call, she looks as if through me and passes by. Every night I wake up in a cold sweat, then I toss and turn for a long time, trying to fall asleep. My husband thinks that I'm going crazy, that I need a psychiatrist, ”she said distantly.
- What worries you, frightens you in this dream?
- I think she is angry with me for everything that happened between us. I am very ashamed of myself, of my behavior with my sister then, during my lifetime. We never spoke, but now, now it’s too late. Large peas of tears streamed down the woman's trembling cheeks.
- What, in your opinion, are you to blame for her?
- I always pushed her away, we never spoke. She was always with her mother, and I was a little aloof.
- Did you push her away or did she push you away?
Emilia thought about it. Silent surprise was reflected on her face, and she slowly, weighing each word, said: "Probably, I am her, and she is me."
- What did you feel as a child? Did your mother treat you and your sister the same, or did she single out someone more among the children? - I continued to ask.
- Yes, she loved her more. Masha was very much like her mother, the same calm, kind, self-possessed. I was very different from both of them. She was more like her father - impulsive, explosive, rebellious. My father definitely loved me more. As a child, I remember that if sometimes, very rarely, I communicated with someone - then with my father. My mother, it seemed to me, hated me, and I hated her. In addition to feelings of hatred, over time, resentment and disappointment were added. Only after the death of my sister, we became very close to my mother, began to communicate.
- What was the relationship between the parents?
“They never fought. As a child, it seemed to me that in our family it was just like everyone else. From the age of seven, I began to understand that this is more a semblance of relations than relations themselves, where tact and diplomacy were observed, as in the Cold War. There was no love between them. His mother despised his father, and he preferred to spend all the time at work, often went on business trips.
- Did any of them have relationships on the side?
- Yes, I think that it was not without it. I do not know what the parents said to each other in those rare moments of communication, but the atmosphere in the family was tense to such an extent that I was sure that everything was going to divorce. Oddly enough, this did not happen. They have lived their entire lives together. They could only be separated by the death of their father three years ago.
Emilia fell silent. Leaning back in her chair, she sat relaxed and devastated. I poured her a glass of water. The woman drank it in one gulp and took a deep breath, it seemed to me, with relief.
- You say that you went through a difficult period when you were an outsider in your own family, you were removed from communication with your mother, with your sister. I wonder if your sister felt the same feelings of hurt and disappointment? Yes, she had a mother, but there was no father.
- Once we had a conversation with my sister. Masha really accused me of completely capturing my father's attention. She confessed to me that she was jealous of him for me, she also felt hatred, resentment towards me and towards my father.
- What was it for you to talk to your sister?
- It was a relief. Probably a moment of intimacy between us, we finally spoke openly. I was surprised that she was jealous of her father for me and grateful to her for admitting her feelings. After all, she's just like me, not perfect at all the Snow Queenas I imagined it before.
- I am very glad that this conversation took place between you. Both of you desired this closeness, you both sought sisterly love, trust, understanding. But, according to your description, you both became hostages of the Cold War, which raged between your parents. Each of you, absolutely unconsciously, supported the other parent, each felt responsible for this parent, and was afraid to betray him by communication and a manifestation of love towards the other parent and towards the sister who supported this parent.
This is not your fault, Emilia. You were a small child. Your parents, instead of openly expressing their feelings, chose this form of communication for themselves. It was an unconscious choice, you were like dad, sister like mom. Usually we feel a special closeness to those people who are like us.
This choice influenced not only them, but you and your sister as well. Each parent sought and found an ally who supported him and helped minimize the pain of unrealizable expectations of an ideal relationship.
A few days later, Emilia called me. She was finally back to normal life, no longer worried about loss of appetite and insomnia.
As strange as it may sound, your relationship with your husband / wife directly affects the relationship of children in the family... If peace, love, mutual understanding reign between spouses, then your children will be friendly with each other. If there is latent discontent in the family, the children will become accomplices in this war, choosing one of the sides. Hidden aggression between parents will lead to the fact that children grow up in enmity towards each other.
How exactly does this happen? - you ask.
The child knows what is good and what is bad, thanks to the methods of encouragement and punishment from the parents. That is, if a parent encourages the child's behavior with words or behavior (for example, a hug), the child realizes that this is “good” behavior and continues to behave in the same way. If the parent punishes the child: expresses his dissatisfaction with words or behavior, the child understands - this should not be repeated.
How does this happen in a family? Each parent is, first of all, a person who wants to be loved, respected and appreciated. If this does not happen with the marriage partner, then the parent can try to compensate for these psychological needs with the love of the child. The parent will encourage the expression of love and care, distinguish the child from his siblings, and thus create competition.
In the beginning, such a child will be happy, because one of the parents gives him a clear preference among brothers and sisters. After a while, the feeling of happiness will be replaced by feelings of anxiety when he realizes that in the eyes of his second parent he has become a renegade. The rest of his life, he will suffer from this, and look for love and attention in the eyes of the second parent.
In such a situation, besides the feeling of rivalry with brothers and sisters, the child experiences psychological abuse. Of course, this term is usually used in relation to children who are ignored by their parents, or treated with indifference and / or blamed for all problems. But in this case above, one parent makes the child hostage to his love, the second parent feels betrayal and pushes him away from himself.
“There is at least one guy in the family, not like your daddy,” the mother says affectionately, admiring her son's muscles while he helps bring groceries from the store. By creating a rivalry between her son and her father, the mother not only deprives the son of the father, but also deprives him of the opportunity to build healthy relationships with other adults in the not too distant future. It will be difficult for him to build relationships with work colleagues, and it will not be easy for him to arrange his personal life, to get married. Because of his deep fear of betraying his mother.
In the event of family discord, children can maintain friendly relations only in two cases: in the case when the parents, or at least one of them, treats all their children equally, or in the other case, when both parents are busy with themselves, with their relationship, a career that completely ignores the needs of children. In the second case, children are left to themselves, and then they have no choice but to unite with each other, take care and support each other.
Emotional closeness is a necessary and important part of family relationships. This is a feeling of confidence in parents, in a partner / s, a feeling of love and mutual understanding. It is the joy that comes from spending time together, as well as accepting and respecting the personal boundaries of those close to you. In families in which there is emotional closeness, family members openly share with each other not only joyful experiences, but also doubts and fears. Children in such families are confident in themselves, behave friendly towards their peers. They have a healthy curiosity and boast the highest grades in their class. Meanwhile, children in whose family emotional closeness is lacking, from an early age experience difficulties in communication, it is difficult for them to cope with their studies (especially in adolescence). Early enough they begin to feel superfluous and unnecessary in their own family and, in order to stop the flow of obsessive thoughts of suicide, they try to harm themselves or “cope” with their problems with the help of alcohol, drugs or frequent change of sexual partners (this scenario is typical for different families, regardless of their religion, social status or material well-being.
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Many parents cannot give their child the necessary emotional closeness for one obvious reason: they themselves were deprived of this closeness in childhood, and with all their desire to be a significant person in their child’s life, they simply don’t know what to do for this. In order to establish emotional closeness with your household and become a good parent / wife / husband, you will first have to establish emotional closeness with yourself.
Below are some practical recommendations and specific tips for parents, the full version of which you can read in the book "A loving family: the birth of emotional closeness".
A child comes into this world with an already laid down "program": certain qualities and characteristics that distinguish him from other children. But in order for them to manifest themselves in full, he needs to constantly see the "reflection" of these qualities in the behavior of his parents. Usually, children pay attention not only to verbal encouragements and vocal intonations, but also to “body language”: gestures, a smile, a shine in the eyes of a parent at the sight of a child. I often hear from my young patients that the definition of “do my parents love me” or “do my parents love me more / less than my brothers / sisters” is based on non-verbal cues such as “eyes burn when mom / dad / grandmother / grandfather is looking at me (or at someone else). " Do you want your child to be confident in himself, treat himself with love, and be able to recognize and perceive not only his shortcomings, but also his dignity?
First advice: parents and other relatives surrounding the child should try to see in the child his uniqueness and originality, and try to "reflect" and "illuminate" this both verbally and with their behavior. In other words, pay attention to every little thing in which the child is superior to others: in his kindness, in wit, in logical thinking, in the ability to express his thoughts aloud or on paper, in creativity, etc.
I believe that in relations with children, parents are always driven by the best motives. But, unfortunately, a child cannot grow up as an independent and self-confident person, without being able to benefit his own family, feeling a sense of uselessness and uselessness in the place dearest to him.
Second tip: involve the child in the family life as much as possible according to his age. Encourage his willingness to help in every way.
If you want your child to grow up as an independent and successful person, you cannot avoid the topic of money. Financial literacy is just as important as literacy in any science or science. And in order for your child to grow up financially literate, he will need constant support / training from more experienced people - adults.
Third tip: do not avoid financial issues, explain to your child how the family budget is built, let them help during trips to the store. Gradually, from the beginning of school, give out certain amounts of pocket money - the child will learn from his own experience how to manage his financial resources.
Often, even from the smallest children one can hear statements: "My mom and dad love me, which means they know what I want, what I think." Unfortunately, for some people, this confidence remains in adulthood. They are sure that if a certain person really has feelings for them, it means that he / she knows what he is thinking, understands the motives of his behavior and is sensitive to his / her experience. The most interesting thing is that enough close people to guess your mood / thoughts / feelings at least once, how this confidence in the telepathic abilities of relatives will take root in your consciousness forever.
Fourth tip: Remember - the existence of telepathy has not been proven by science. And even the strongest feelings, even such as love and affection, cannot help you understand a person better than his own words... Talk to your child, show him by personal example that your own needs, desires, aspirations can always and should be voiced aloud.
Very often people think that everything they know and know is the result of exclusively their own actions. However, do not underestimate the fact that any person, like a sponge, absorbs information from the environment, including from the people around him most of the time. For most of us, this is the family we grew up in. Many of our skills and abilities, including communication skills, are acquired primarily in communicating with loved ones. And if among them it was not customary to openly express their feelings and thoughts, if your parents did not teach you to talk about yourself, about your life, about pain, about experiences, if they hid information about themselves from you, then most likely you will adopt a similar communication style, and then transfer it to your own family. It is in the family that the child acquires the first social skills, he learns to believe in his own strength, to show love and compassion. By participating in disputes and conflicts with brothers and sisters, the child understands how to express his feelings and thoughts, to defend his point of view. And these skills acquired in the family will serve him faithfully in communicating with peers outside the family (in the garden, at school, at work, in the army).
Fifth advice: Consider the influence that your loved ones have had on you, and remember that you have exactly the same effect on your own children; teach children to communicate, negotiate, get out of conflicts competently and do not be afraid to express your own emotions in front of them.
The relationship between you and your spouse has a huge impact on your child. And if you hate / despise your husband / wife, then you transfer these feelings to your children. Often, the parent himself is not aware of the destructive consequences of his negative feelings towards the partner / s. Understanding what is happening comes when problems begin with children. It is then that the parent seriously thinks about what events taking place in the family could affect the changes in the child's behavior.
Sixth tip: Rekindling love and emotional closeness is hard daily work. Even when it is hard or uncomfortable for you, make an effort on yourself, pay attention to your spouse. Of course, your relationship will look a little unnatural at first. Behavior that is unusual in your family may cause confusion and suspicion in your partner / shea. But by repeating this relationship ritual daily, you can rekindle your feelings for each other.
Correct communication is very important, and both parent and child tend to pay a lot of attention to body language. Pay attention to how you behave in the conversation, and what gestures, movements, your interlocutor uses.
Seventh tip: Make sure your words and body language match. Inconsistency between them, as well as a conflicting message during communication with a child, can lead to the development of mental illness.
In every person's life, there are special events that can cause stress. These events can be both difficult and sad, or joyful and happy. A strong emotional shock, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, can cause a mental and / or physiological reaction. Many of you have probably heard the story of a close or distant friend who, upon receiving good news, or having experienced a joyful event, experienced severe stress that resulted in physical ailment, such as a heart attack. Many parents want their child to get used to a stressful situation faster. But, everything is individual. Someone really gets used to this new way of life and unquestioningly follows all the instructions, while someone continues to experience physiological and behavioral changes during the N-th shot.
Council eighth: It is important to understand that your attempts to speed up the psychological processes taking place in your child's body can aggravate the situation. Only patience, love and understanding of what the child is going through can reduce his level of anxiety.
Many of my patients say that they do not remember their childhood. Perhaps you, having experienced an unpleasant or difficult situation for you in the past, chose to forget about it as soon as possible in order to minimize your own experiences. It seems to you that you were able to forget the details of your own life. But unfortunately or fortunately, our brain is designed in such a way that in the most unexpected moments associated with stress, experiences from the past emerge in our dreams, in reservations and seemingly devoid of logic actions. This is because we never really forget anything. All the most secret feelings and experiences are stored in the casket of our subconscious. We protect this casket from everyone, including ourselves. Often, during the stress we are experiencing, this casket opens slightly and begins to live a life separate from us, instantly transforming from a reliable keeper of our secrets into an unpredictable Pandora's box. He brings down on us and on those around us all the previously hidden secrets of our life. Often, people complain that they themselves do not understand why this or that situation, which is absolutely neutral at first glance, made them experience a strong emotional outburst and led to unusual behavior on their part. If you remember and accept all your most difficult experiences, then you can objectively perceive what is happening. Your reaction occurs consciously, you no longer react impulsively, but make a balanced decision.
Ninth tip: If you want to objectively perceive what is happening, you should realize and accept all your most difficult experiences and memories. Then your decisions, including those concerning the child, will always be balanced and conscious.
Conflicts are essential in communication. People who by hook or by crook try to avoid them, over time begin to feel lonely and misunderstood by others. After all, if the people around you do not know what you are thinking or feeling, you are right in your feelings - they do not really know you and you are really alone.
Tenth tip: Do not be afraid of your emotions, perhaps you will step off your own pedestal of a cold-blooded superhero in your eyes, but you will definitely rise in the eyes of others. They will finally see that with your fear, anger, disappointment, you are an ordinary living person. The same as everyone else!
Many parents are afraid to admit to themselves that they received less love, affection, attention in childhood. They do not know themselves well, their strengths and weaknesses, and it is very difficult for them to express their thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, in many families there was no emotional closeness, and if this is not changed, then from generation to generation, the sad family scenario repeats itself: a person subconsciously copies and transfers to his husband / wife / children everything that he observed and absorbed from early childhood myself. But all this is fixable! In my practice, I often meet people who, even in old age, change their attitude towards themselves and others, and thus radically change their lives for the better. These people calm down, accept themselves as they are: with all their kindness, anger, cheerfulness, resentment, sense of humor, discontent, etc. And only after that they can truly accept and love others.
Elena Glozman,
family psychotherapist,
child psychologist, teacher,
ashdod (Israel).
Excerpt from the book of Elena Glozman"Loving Family: Birth of Emotional Intimacy",which will be released in the near future by Genesis publishing house, 2016.
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It is not for nothing that it is said: "Life is not a field to cross." Love will come unexpectedly, and now the break with the family is on the verge for the sake of a relationship with a loved one. You will probably make a choice in favor of love if you think that it is impossible to restore relationships in the family, everything has gone and melted away like a fog, and love turned out to be stronger than attachment to previous values.
Pros and cons of this choice
So, consider the pros of your choice
- Your love will now always be there;
- Finally, you won't have to hide, make excuses, lie; now you will stop living a double life;
- 3. You can spend the freed up time and energy on professional or career growth, creativity and relaxation with your loved one;
- 4. You have the opportunity in a new relationship to correct the mistakes made in the previous one;
- You can feel strong making this decision, and it strengthens your self-esteem, raises your self-esteem.
Minuses
- Perhaps you will suddenly realize that without a double life you are bored, uninteresting to live, courage is gone, risk and intrigue are gone;
- You may have to start all over again: home improvement, having and raising children, and this can be quite difficult;
- You will have to grind: life in everyday life is very different from dating, even a joint vacation is not at all the same as living side by side all the time; it is possible that your love will unfold from an unexpected and unpleasant side;
- You will have to experience the loss of the old way of life; no matter how bad the previous relationship was, experience shows that loss still affects your condition quite strongly;
- Your relationship with your children (if any) can be interrupted, worsened or complicated.
If the choice has already been made
First of all, you need to discuss all the circumstances of your future life together with your new partner. And this applies not only and not so much to everyday issues as to your positions, principles, views on the family, on the distribution of roles, on your prospects, the possible appearance of common children, etc. It may well be that already in the process of discussion fundamental differences and irreconcilable positions that will fundamentally change your decision.
You should prepare yourself for a long, most likely “serial” and unpleasant explanation with your wife (husband). Perhaps, consciously or unconsciously, you will be blackmailed with diseases, threats of suicide, they may even use children (unfortunately, divorcing spouses often forget that children also suffer, and ruthlessly exploit their feelings). You have to go through all this, and you will need a lot of firmness and endurance.
How to prepare for a breakup
- Think carefully about your line of behavior - it should be firm, confident, but not aggressive. Refrain from insults, although, most likely, there will be enough provocations. Keep in mind that if you justify your departure with your spouse's shortcomings, this will provoke retaliatory aggression or even rage. In any case, you can be put in a situation where your negative qualities will manifest themselves "in all their glory."
- A “civilized” and mature argument can only be a truthful story that you met another person with whom you are going to build your future life.
Everyone has a right to this, but it would be fairer to take responsibility for this decision, and not to shift it onto the shoulders of a rejected partner. Do you agree?
- You need to prepare yourself that the moment you leave your family, you will begin to experience loss. This may be all the more surprising since, until now, you have viewed them only as a burden.
- You may feel annoyed and even angry with your new partner because of him taking such a painful step. You may even think that you were mistaken: now that your loved one is always there and you no longer worry about losing him, the force of attraction decreases. It may seem to you that you no longer love him enough to make such sacrifices. The situation is complicated by the fact that the experience of loss coincides with the period of household grinding, which is already quite difficult.
It is this pile-up of stress factors that often causes a new family to fall apart shortly after a long-awaited connection. During such a difficult time, you will need support. You need to agree with the partner for whom you are divorcing, about support in a difficult period, that it will be difficult for both. Only patience and love can soften the most unbearable moments.
We each have someone with whom we have family ties. People have different perceptions of the concept of family in general and their own family in particular. For many, this word itself means a lot, for it brings back memories of childhood, the strongest of which is a feeling of care and love. There are people for whom family ties are not only the strongest of all, but also the only ones that are really important. Such people can often change their place of residence, political and commercial preferences, but always remain faithful to family ties. Others may be indifferent to the family, treating it as a reality in life that has to be taken for granted. There are those who do not love her or even hate her. Whatever the relationship within the family, everyone has to reckon with its existence.
The family is the basic unit of society. Larger structures are created from families: tribes, clans, peoples and nations. The largest of them, the nation, destroys, often deliberately, other associations, tries to destroy or, at least, weaken the influence of the older groups of which it consists, such as tribes and clans. However, even the most developed nations are subdivided into small units: families. The family has remained the basic unit of society not because it is the smallest, but because it is the most stable. It existed before other forms of human organization appeared, and did not lose its significance throughout the history of mankind. The idea of \u200b\u200bthe family as one of the foundations of our existence is so deeply embedded in the subconscious of each of us that time and changing living conditions can make only some adjustments to it, but not radically change.
The family has existed since ancient times, but this does not mean that it is the most efficient of social structures. From the point of view of the use of labor and economic resources, the disclosure of individual abilities, the family is not an optimal structure. The inefficiency of the family as a working unit stems from its heterogeneity. Since family members are people of different gender, age and there are not so many of them, she cannot cope with any task quickly and clearly. Its stability and cohesion often conflict with government needs or religious ideas. The most successful groups of social insects with a social hierarchy (ants, bees, termites) are composed of asexual individuals - workers and soldiers. This proves the effectiveness of a familyless, homogeneous working society.
The family has special social interests that it defends even at the expense of larger social structures. For example, the tradition of inheriting property or power generates inequality, with the result that unworthy people often gain disproportionate influence in society.
Even for reproduction purposes, the family is not very effective: after all, when breeding a breed with improved properties, only high-quality producers are selected. At the same time, as we know, many people have genetic abnormalities. Even the process of raising a child in a family is not always successful.
Family ties interfere with personal development. Caring for children, meeting the needs of the family, the need to pay attention to a spouse or spouse, housekeeping - all this brings someone moral satisfaction, but requires a huge investment of time, energy and emotions from everyone. It is very difficult to be a great artist, do science, or breed tarantulas if your family does not share your interests.
That is why there have been many attempts to destroy the institution of the family, or at least limit its role in society. Thus, slave owners deliberately split families in order to get the cheapest and most productive labor force. One of the oldest ways to create another group of people without family ties is the castration of men. Eunuchs were used not only as servants in harems - they were soldiers, even reaching the rank of generals, and also held high political posts. (For example, General Narses (478 - 568) in Byzantium. In China, for a long time (from antiquity until the fall of the Chinese Empire in the 20th century) there was a custom to appoint eunuchs to high positions. In ancient Persia and Rome, there was also such a tradition). The celibate clergy and monks were two more large groups of people who were not burdened by family ties. The Janissaries, the elite of the young Ottoman Empire, were celibate slaves. The same vow was made by the Cossacks of the Zaporozhye Sich. History knows many examples of attempts to destroy the institution of the family by totalitarian regimes in the countries they conquered and in their own states.
The point is that it is much more difficult to manage and manipulate families than individuals without family ties. To achieve certain goals, it is necessary to destroy the family as a unit of the social system, but sometimes such a desire comes from within it. In many modern societies, the destruction of the family is most often caused by the growing desire of a person to freely engage in oneself.
Despite all the attempts made throughout history to destroy the family, this ancient institution - precisely because of its simplicity and rootedness - still exists today. It is so much in line with the nature of all that exists that it is not a prerogative of a person; many other living beings also create families. Moreover, families are not only in highly developed biological species, but also in relatively primitive ones, for example, in birds.
The fact that animals also create families proves that this is not an externally imposed social structure, but a natural need. It can be irrational and ineffective, inconvenient and problematic, but it continues to exist because it is based on more than simple common sense. While instincts can be dulled, they cannot be eradicated. Individuals can live - and even in considerable numbers, if the culture of society and the spirit of the times allow it - without family ties, but humanity as a whole will still entangle itself with them. Cultural fashion is inherently ephemeral, but instincts are eternal.
At first glance, the family begins with the simple satisfaction of sexual needs. Sex drive is a very strong biological stimulus, the existence of which we are well aware, although we do not fully understand its nature. However, in itself it cannot be considered a sufficient condition for starting a family. This kind of relationship that haunts the one and only a specific goal, do not lead to the formation of families either in the animal kingdom or in humans.
The family begins where parents maintain their union in order to raise offspring. This desire is due to instinct and is a very powerful stimulus that has little to do with sex. Male birds flying in search of food for the female and fledgling chicks, or the lioness who went out to hunt for food for her cubs, are not guided by sexual attraction at all. In many cases, family ties are temporary: they persist until the young start to live independently. Such alliances are formed by selection or by chance, but they all have no continuation. For example, the titmouse usually lives and even flies in a same-sex flock, forming a kind of temporary family exclusively during the breeding season. This behavior is typical not only for tits, it is also found in other biological species, including humans.
It seems that for animals, and especially for humans, sex and reproduction are not the main factors in creating a family. Undoubtedly, reproduction plays an important role, and offspring can become the center of the family, but this is not the main thing. Both sex and reproduction can exist - and are widely practiced! - outside family ties. Hence, the family is something that includes these elements, but is not limited to them.
If cohabitation persists, even when partners no longer have sex and raising offspring, then, probably, this can be considered one of the main features of the family. Such long-term families are not limited to humans; many species of animals and birds have very strong family ties that persist for many years (for example, swans and geese), and sometimes for life.
In some birds with a social hierarchy (for example, jackdaws), one can observe amazing behavior, which is usually called "human": they form permanent pairs, their social position changes depending on the "marriage", they have a courtship period (a certain time immediately before the onset of sexual activity), during which they do not part and are perceived as a couple by the rest of the pack. Even the details of building a bird family, dictated, at first glance, only by social conventions, are embedded deep in the subconscious, at the biological level. In addition, family members - be they a couple, parent or parent, chicks or other relatives - protect and support each other within limits far beyond those of other members of their species.
However, these are all external, biological or social aspects of the family. What is the psychological-emotional internal aspect that underlies it?
There are certain, sometimes very sentimental and romantic, ideas about the family. The most common of these is that the family is a world in which mutual love reigns. This can certainly be true: in many cases, relatives really enjoy family communication, feel sympathy and even love for each other, but it is obvious that kinship is not always synonymous with love. The "voice of the blood" can be strong and irresistible even if people do not really love their loved ones. For many of us, outside the family, there are other, more significant objects of love: friends, comrades, fellow believers. Erotic love, for example, is often much stronger than kindred love, although not as durable.
It happens that family members generally hate each other. Freud, in his General Introduction to Psychoanalysis, wrote: "If there is a man in the world whom a woman hates more than her sister, then this is their mother." Such a phenomenon, of course, is not universal, but it occurs quite often and proves that not only love lies at the heart of family and family ties.
While the family is not always the focus of mutual love, closeness and cohesion can be seen as the hallmarks of the family unit. It may seem that they are the result of close coexistence for a long time. However, crowding is by no means a guarantee of tender feelings, rather the opposite. In any case, long-term cohabitation leads to the emergence of certain relationships between people. (This can be observed, for example, when there are relatives (even very close ones) who have not communicated for a long time. Family ties, which legally can be quite close, do not lead to emotional closeness).
The cohesion is due to two reasons. Firstly, knowing a person from childhood, you involuntarily become attached to him, a connection arises between you and him, which becomes stronger from the consciousness that it will never break.
Another, no less important reason for the emergence of intimacy is that members of the same family are genetically (and, therefore, physically and psychologically) similar to each other. This similarity in itself creates a basis for mutual understanding. (Gemini, especially identical ones, are a well-known example of the kind of close connection that exists even if they were raised separately). which is not always a guarantee of mutual love. We may feel resentment towards relatives, and this discontent, in turn, is often the result of a critical attitude towards ourselves, both conscious and - most often - unconscious. Many people who critically evaluate, for example, their fathers, begin to realize how much they are like them and that they themselves have the same flaws that they so resent in their parents. This kind of closeness determines the inner, emotional life of the family.
However, in addition to all these explicit and implicit signs of the family, its main characteristic feature is the existence of a contractual relationship. This applies equally to the human family and to the animal family. There are clearly delineated relationships between family members that determine their responsibilities to each other. It is these mutual obligations that form the family, and if not, it may be passion or a breeding farm for raising offspring, but not a family.
The concept of "contract" is, of course, a human term; it does not apply to animals. Even among people who are able to negotiate, such agreements are often unwritten, informal. It is understood that a family of birds or monkeys is based on non-verbal communication, which, nevertheless, allows partners to understand each other and comply with the conditions of cohabitation. On the other hand, even old-fashioned, with the signing of a marriage contract, marital relations can change dramatically over time - not only from generation to generation, but also over the lifetime of one family. However, insofar as there is a mutual agreement that both parties accept and abide by, the family remains a family. Everything else is optional to create and preserve it.
Whatever the family agreement, it is always based on mutual trust. No family can live normally if one of the partners is mortally afraid of the other. Spiders do not have families, because the spider does not mind eating a male. On the other hand, the wolf and the she-wolf, living together, despite the fact that they are predators and are capable of crippling each other quite badly, have entered into an agreement not to do this, as well as an agreement that they will act together for the good of the family and jointly protect her, without resorting to the services of a notary. Thus, the male bird feeds the female without any official papers while she incubates the eggs - each of the partners complies with his part of the contract.
The existence of a marriage contract distinguishes marriage from cohabitation, and family relationships from a love affair. The law that the family must abide by - loyalty to the contract - is mandatory for relations not only between spouses, but also between parents and children, brothers and sisters. They form a family not because they love each other, not because of blood ties, but because they accept and comply with mutual obligations.
Remember - the Scripture does not say "love your father and your mother." Of course, it's not hard to assume that parents really want love; some of them may demand it and even turn the lives of children into a nightmare if they feel that they do not love them enough. However, love cannot be claimed or controlled, and the commandment says: "Honor your father and your mother ..." (Exodus 20:12). Love in the family is good, but it says “honor” - in other words, fulfill your formal and informal obligations towards your parents. Brothers and sisters should be treated the same way. Mutual obligations are stronger than love and biological relationship, and it is they that bind people.
I would like to draw special attention to this, because we live in such a time and in such a culture, when the concepts of "duty" and "love" are often substituted for one another. Influenced by romantic literature, among many other reasons, we tend to think that family is based on love. Yes, love can make a family truly wonderful, but we must remember that it is the observance of certain rules - and they change from one culture to another, from one family to another - that creates a family. A family based on emotions, however strong they may be, is essentially based on fiction. Romantic love can be a powerful stimulus, people dream about it and sometimes even die in its name. Much of this romance, however, is based on cultural clichés and fleeting chemical processes in the body. Love that is born and sustained due to external factors (nose shape, beautiful legs, charming voice) will not last long. La Rochefoucauld noted not without reason that if it were not for sentimental novels, many would never have fallen in love.
Love is always accompanied by mutual idealization, and family relationships built only on it will not be a union of two real people, but phantoms generated by fantasy. With a successful combination of circumstances, romantic love is replaced by a more lasting (albeit less acute) feeling for another person, accompanied by a willingness to put up with his shortcomings and fulfill his obligations towards him. If relations in the family do not receive such a development, it will remain so only nominally until it breaks up; its emotional foundation will not withstand real loads. Spouses will seek solace outside the family circle, changing partners in search of new love.
As these types of illusions take root in society, the family unit becomes less and less stable. Dreams soon dissipate, and others, just as ephemeral, come in their place, or sheer indifference sets in. Inertia or something similar to it can preserve family ties for a while, but sooner or later the problems and stresses that will certainly appear will gradually lead to the collapse of the family. Examples of this can be seen in the United States, in Russia and throughout Europe - everywhere families collapse under the influence of various kinds of unfavorable factors.
The burden of responsibility does not mean that a person is doomed to constant suffering in the family. Communication with family can give him great pleasure, joy and happiness, the family hearth will warm him with the warmth of love. However, this condition is an inevitable consequence of painstaking preparatory work and the correct allocation of priorities. Shared commitment is a fundamental element in building a family, the soil on which love, understanding and peace of mind grow. The deeper the understanding that the family is bound by rules and agreements, the more durable and stable it will be. People belonging to any social group (and family is no exception) may disagree with each other in many ways and even in everything. Nevertheless, as long as they adhere to the same rules of relationships within her, she will resist.
Each of us has the ability or even a tendency to start family fights. Some even cannot live without it, considering, obviously, a good scandal as a natural and necessary element of existence. Quarrels often resemble a duel of epee-fencers: you try to prick me, I - you; you say bad things about me, I - about you. Both disputants, however, know that no blood will be shed and no one will kill anyone. A family quarrel can get violent, but it is based on the understanding that the family contract is still in force. In a sense, this is a test of the agreement's strength. The test is by no means always humorous, sometimes it is done quite seriously, and all its participants are deeply offended. If a sister quarrels with her brother, then her position is something like this: "I will now slap him in the face, and he really deserves it, but if necessary, I will sacrifice my life to avert the danger that threatens him."
If the structure is stable, then no quarrels and scandals will destroy it. When cracks appear in it, quarrels only expand them, which leads to the disintegration of the family. The spouses no longer say: "We are quarreling, but still we are one family." Instead, you can hear from them: "We do not agree with each other and therefore can no longer be together."
Recently, the concept of "family values" has become fashionable. What are they like? These are the very basic agreements that define personal behavior and interpersonal communication. In essence, these are the same values, only thanks to which any society can exist, all cells of which are based on agreements of one kind or another, openly proclaimed or implied. Consent makes it possible for any of its structures to function - from the largest and most branched to the smallest: the family.
The proposed definition of the concept of "family" is both too narrow and at the same time too broad: narrow, because it does not leave room for excessive sentimentality; widely because it assumes serious attitude to this institute.
Notes
A very good artistic description of this phenomenon can be found in Aldous Huxley's book Brave New World.
From the book "Simple Words". Adapted.
The meaning of the family, although a speculative concept, has a purely applied meaning for all, without exception, the sexually mature population. Applied, in the sense: applied to life.
For, without this understanding of the meaning of the family, a person's life becomes like a meaningless path, along a familiar and often unknown path.
If not completely, then in the part of family life that surrounds everyone and everyone. Even the life of a non-family man - an unmarried man, or an unmarried woman.
That is, the family surrounds every person, from birth to death.
If not your own, then other people's families and their members - husbands, wives, children. And all this is a derivative of the family, from this or that family life, this or that family.
Not to understand the meaning of the family, therefore, means not to understand either your life or the life of the people around you. At least for a large and significant part of life.
For to understand the meaning of something is, a priori, and means to understand the essence of this thing or this process.
And the family, philosophically speaking, is also a “thing in itself” - has its own essence-meaning. And the process is the evolving and changing relationships of family members.
Family meaning or necessity - family need
The meaning of the family or the need, the need of the family are two basic concepts in understanding the meaning and significance of the family in the life of a person, men and women.
In my opinion, talking about the family, moreover, at the everyday and theoretical level, we, as usual, confuse terms and concepts.
In particular: or do not share at all the definition of the meaning of the family and the need for its creation and existence. Or, even more often: we believe that they are the same thing.
This is an epistemological (cognitive) mistake: when, roughly speaking, arguing about something, everything gets in the way.
And therefore, in this heap, neither the essence of things and the processes between them, nor the main, nor the secondary, and so on, is visible.
If we, by the meaning of a family, understand what it is created for and exists for, regardless of the desires and needs of its creators - men and women. Then we will look for the meaning of the family.
If we consider the family and the meaning of its existence, based on the needs of men and women. Then we can come to completely different wrong conclusions about the meaning of the family.
Up to denying its meaning in general. Or the recognition of the meaning of the secondary properties of the family.
This means setting the wrong guidelines in family building and family life.
And these wrong landmarks - wrong meanings of the family, will lead along the paths of problems in family life. And destroy the relationship between men and women, wives and husbands.
Misunderstanding of the meaning of the family or wrong meanings destroy the family
In any case, if we do not correctly understand the meaning of the family - which is tantamount to not understanding its essence, as such. Then we will endlessly make mistakes in family building.
Naturally, having wrong attitudes, not understanding the meaning of the family, it is impossible, building it and realizing its existence, not to create "problems on your head."
For it is impossible to solve family problems by “praying to the wrong gods”.
What is the meaning of family - family life
That is, talking about the family, about its meaning, we must understand that there is:
1. The meaning of the family is that for the sake of which this family exists or can exist as such - by itself - regardless of the desires and understanding of husbands and wives.
2. Necessity, need of a family - this is what a man and a woman create a family for. With all my hopes and hopes - feelings and thoughts.
That is, I clarify once again: the meaning of the family, as an entity based on the cohabitation of a man and a woman, is, as such.
And there are men and women who create families, guided by their own needs, in the form of conscious interests, and not understood needs, in the form of necessities.
In other words: the family is an entity, independent of the will and desires of men and women, which has the meaning of its existence.
Whereas, men and women, wives and husbands, can, how to follow the meaning of the family, realizing it or following it by virtue of traditions and upbringing. So to live contrary to the meaning of the family.
And, just, not following the path of the meaning of the family - family life, contrary to its meaning, not only creates problems for the existence of the family, but also destroys it.
Why family needs cannot be the meaning of the family
Whether men and women, wives and husbands, are aware of their needs when creating a family and living in it, this is not so important.
For even the most uneducated and uncultured person expects and wants the following from family life:
1. To be treated well: loved, respected, not offended, understood, and so on, in that spirit.
That is, so that they reckon with me as a person, and not force and demand that I be the one they like more.
2. So that, living in a family, there are no financial and material problems. And if they do exist, so that they can be solved, moreover, on the principles of mutual assistance, gratitude and, preferably, equality.
3. To have normal sex and to have children. For some men and women, for example, for childfree, so that if you have good sex, but there are no children.
In other words, the conversation is about the well-known three components of the family, which are often passed off as the meaning of the family:
1. The spiritual life of a family is like the cohabitation of two spiritually close people, read: as approximately equally feeling and thinking people.
2. The financial and economic life of the family - the life of the family - the material existence of the family.
3. Sexual life of husband and wife. As the main or essential component of their desire and ability to be together and to exist relatively peacefully.
And, most importantly, but shamefully silent for the time being, is sex life, as an opportunity to have your own children.
To want a family does not mean to understand its meaning
Could these family and family needs be the meaning of the family? That is, in other words, these are the essential properties of the family that make it so?
At first glance, this is how it is: men and women, and create a family, and want to find in it, precisely for this - spiritual, material and sexual well-being in the family.
BUT, is the family, as such, any, capable of giving all this desired from it? That is the big question and the big problem for the vast majority of families!
For husbands and wives, for the most part, sooner or later become convinced:
- this, or is impossible right away,
- or exhausts itself after some time.
Spiritual harmony between husband and wife, if it existed at the beginning, turns out to be an illusion or does not exist at all in reality.
The sexual life of a husband and wife, gradually or quickly turns into the category of "conjugal duty" or does not work out from the very beginning.
Family life, even if it is secured, then, it turns out that "happiness is not in money." And if poverty reigns in the family, then it is quickly understood that "it is impossible to live like this": neither by ourselves, nor "to produce poverty."
The meaning of the family is not to give what man and woman, husband and wife expect from it.
All this is the reality of most families, who initially do not understand the meaning of the family.
And, literally, they demand from her, in the person of their family partners, that they give it: so that the family has love, a well-established way of life, and sex "in full."
And the family, as such, cannot give it: because it is not its essence - it does not have these properties: to give a good life, love and good sex.
Moreover, a woman and a man with experience of family life, if they put their hand on their hearts and honestly confess, will say:
- Family kills love, family turns sex into a routine. And family life - turns the family: or into a strap that needs to be pulled with the last bit of strength.
Or something that does not matter for family happiness, if there is money and means.
That is: the meaning of the family, it turns out, is not in this. And what, then?
Having children and ensuring a good life for children is the meaning of the family
I dare to assert, moreover, unequivocally, that the only natural meaning of the family is the birth and "raising" of children - ensuring their future.
This is the only essential property of the family, for which and because of which, it exists, in one form or another and in one form or another.
Everything else, including the love between a man and a woman who are creating a family, the financial and household well-being of the family, and sexual pleasure.
And a lot of other things that people want from a family are secondary and derivative from this meaning of the family.
Children - this is what the life of the family - husband and wife - is for and around.
But what about the life of a husband and wife? - what, it turns out that they are just an application to children?
Understanding the meaning of family, everyone can choose how to live.
But now, if the meaning of the family is clear, every woman and every man is free to choose, based on their properties, qualities, desires and interests:
1. Do you want "eternal, big and bright love"? There is absolutely no need to start a family for this.
For, in family relationships, sooner or later, love will exhaust itself. And love will turn, at best, into respect, affection, kinship, habits, and the like.
For a man and a woman cannot be in a state of love for more, maximum, 3 years.
And even then, this falling in love, as an element of the Basic Instinct, is needed, in essence, only so that the lovers quickly engage in good and, literally, fruitful sex - for the conception of children.
Therefore: Do you want eternal love? - love at a distance, close or far - it doesn't matter. But a family, for the sake of its preservation and continuation of the "love banquet", is contraindicated.
For the meaning of the family is not in this - not in the love of a man and a woman, but in love for their own children.
2. Do you want to live richly or, at least, without material problems?
For this you should not start a family: continue begging or "prosper" alone. Either be ready to "plow" for your family, or get ready to understand that "money is not happiness."
For the meaning of the family is not in solving one's own and family financial and material problems.
Sex, permanent and "legal" - cannot be the meaning of the family
3. Do you want to have good, new, varied, passionate sex?
Do not try to marry or get married, even to one or to the one with whom, with whom, in sex: "everything is simple, superb and superb."
The meaning of the family is not in "free" and easily accessible sex, but it is sex and pleasure from it, so that children are born. So that men and women do not think and imagine about sex there.
If you want children and good family relationships, you want to live a "normal life" - without special passions, without showdown in relationships, and so on. When is happiness “children's laughter in the house”?
Well, then: create a family and do everything for its preservation and existence.
For this is the meaning of the family, and therefore the meaning of your life, since you have chosen such a life path: family, for the sake of children and love for them, and children - FOR YOU - for the sake of your life.
What do you think is the meaning of the family?
What is the strength happy family or how to build a strong marriage?
Despite the complexity and philosophical nature of the above questions, which eventually became almost rhetorical, the answers to them are quite simple. But the whole difficulty lies in the fact that you need to apply in life what is given in the answers. Not just know, but ACCEPT.
As, however, any changes that we decide to make in life, begin with a desire, then there is a decision, and then, in fact, action. It is not enough to want, it is not enough to decide, you need to DO. And this is the main secret of any undertaking.
Independent long-term studies have been carried out in many countries and at different periods of time. And they all showed one irrefutable fact - all successful people who have achieved success in different areas life - in relationships, in a professional field, in personal development, etc., differs from ordinary people in the fact that they ACTION. I will repeat and highlight this again. Because there are simply no other secrets to success.
And since I want to devote this article to achieving success in family life, it is very important to apply all the recommendations that you hear in it on personal experience.
I do not like to write about the experience of my family relationships, this topic is too intimate for me and should always remain within the family. But I just want to note that what I will write about today I have already applied in my life. And the results exceeded all my expectations. A strong family, a strong marriage, warm relationships, no quarrels, the development of the inner life of the family, the building up of deep ties with my husband, gifts (which have not been there for a long time), peace, harmony and happiness - these are the advantages that I personally received from what I introduced into your life, those things that will be discussed below.
How does family happiness begin?
Family happiness begins with ... a woman. If you noticed, I always write about it, I always emphasize it. The man also has his own role, his own work to strengthen relationships and create happiness in the family. But since it is rather difficult to encourage others to change or force something to do, and it is much easier to teach and change oneself, then we begin to build personal and family happiness with ourselves. And it is simply necessary to recognize the fact that the main force in preserving the family is carried by the woman.
A happy family is not fate or luck, but a constant, deep, inner work of two loving people
Faith in husband
Well, you got married. They chose the best man in the world. You believe it. And this faith contains a huge portion of happiness. Do everything to carry this faith throughout your family life. Because if you even for a little while admit thoughts about what you could find better, then from that moment your happiness will begin to collapse.
If you do not believe that you could be happy with this person, then you will not have happiness in your family. I talked a lot about the psychophysical nature of women in the article about female power. So this psychophysical nature plays a decisive role in family life. If a woman on the energetic level (in her thoughts) allows a happier marriage with another person, then it will be difficult for her to build a deep relationship with the person she married.
In this case, the strength of the family and the secret of family happiness will lie in the plane of the woman's thoughts and her deep belief that the man whom she has chosen as her husband and with whom she now lives is the very man with whom she can build her own happiness. If this faith is not there, then there will be no happiness in the family. By the way, this same belief is the basis of any positive changes both in the husband's personality and in family life. Faith is the power that opens the way to a man's heart. And this faith should only come from a woman.
And vice versa, the trigger for the destruction of the family is the woman's state and her thoughts that with this person I cannot be happy and in general I chose not the best option for myself. The answer to such thoughts will be the husband's anger, the manifestation of not the best traits of his character, nervousness, failure in business. And, as a rule, few people associate such behavior with the mood of the wife.
If you allow thoughts of another man, you are not faithful to your husband. And loyalty is the strength that builds relationships. “This is my only person with whom I have connected my life and I don’t need another one” - these are the right moods of my wife, which will ensure her happiness in marriage.
Purity in conduct
The second strength of a happy marriage is a woman's purity. Let's return to the biblical immortal virtues that were defined several thousand years ago and are actually not accepted by modern society. I think if you are one of those who deny them, then you will not be interested and useless to continue reading the article. This article is for those women who really want to be happy, build strong and happy relationship and who is ready to receive knowledge for this and work on themselves.
So, purity in behavior. What is meant by this? It's not just the absence of physical betrayal. But also the exclusion of flirting. If a woman smiles in a friendly way while greeting another man at the meeting - this is one smile, and if she smiles and at the same time internally tries to please him and wants it - then this is another smile. Flirting is sex on a subtle level. This is what ancient knowledge says.
The assumption of flirting proceeds from the first rule - if a woman admits the idea that she could be happier with another man, then she subconsciously or consciously will look for this best option in every man she meets.
And if a woman has accepted and recognized her husband as the best man in the world, then she will not even want to flirt with other men, she will not see the point in this. And the desire will not arise. When we smile sweetly (every woman knows what kind of smile I’m talking about now) and flirt with other men, in this way we to some extent share family energy and family happiness with this man, thereby wasting strength.
Chastity directly determines the amount of happiness in the family. Chastity means not looking softly and affectionately at other men, not smiling at them, and even more so not starting a relationship with them. Moreover, it is important to note the fact that the woman does not lose anything. She does not deprive herself of anything, devoting her life to only one man. Because loyalty will allow her to deepen her relationship with her husband. And as a result, she will receive much more love, happiness and other privileges that will come as a result of chastity.
A man will feel and understand that his wife is reliable, he will trust her, he will see and feel her impeccable behavior and will be grateful to her for this. Such a family will be treated with respect, feeling its strength and influence.
What Happens During Cheating? The mechanism of jealousy is easy to explain from a psychological point of view. When a man and a woman are happy with each other, then between them psychic force begins to gather and accumulate - the energy of happiness. When a wife, for example, begins to cheat on her husband, the energy of happiness begins to divide into everyone, and for a married couple it decreases. The husband begins to feel this, and anxiety begins to grow inside him, which is called jealousy. So, even before everything opens, the family begins to lose its strength, and with it its happiness.
Understanding your role in the family
The third strength of a happy family is that everyone should understand their place in the family and their role. 80% of a man's happiness lies outside the family - in public affairs. And it is important to accept this as a fact. For women, the opposite is true: 80% of our happiness lies in the family. This is not easy for modern women to admit. But this is also a fact.
When we oppose work to family, we make another man happy - our boss or business partner, companion, etc. And when we stay in the family, we use all our strength to cultivate happiness in the family and to make our husbands happy.
This does not mean that we should not work or engage in social activities. We can work and do what we like, but just enough so that there is enough time for the family, for building and deepening relationships, for building the inner life of the family and raising children.
A woman should not work from the position of earning a living. If you disagree with me, it means that you have not yet come to this understanding. This realization came to me so clearly that I can hardly think otherwise. And it came at the moment when I became a wife, and later a mother, and plunged into the cycle of affairs and responsibilities associated with family life.
Before marriage, I enjoyed my job, earning money and building my career. Having found a family, I naturally changed my views and priorities. I suddenly realized that home, family, household, raising children, building relationships (not only with my household, but also with relatives, as well as with neighbors and people around the family), networking, creating family traditions and rituals, etc. - this is work. Huge, fulfilling work. If I have the time and desire, then I will do something else that brings me pleasure - for example, maintaining this blog and communicating with readers.
I came to the understanding that a woman can work, but only if she wants or will have time for it. But not in order to earn a living. This understanding releases tremendous strength and additional energy in a woman, which she can use for other useful things besides family, for example, creating projects or giving birth to new ideas.
And what to do in the case of a small income of the husband, you ask, or in situations when the husband does not work at all? Then here we move on to another power that every woman must learn to discover, cultivate and accumulate to herself. This is the power of love. Yes Yes! That's how commonplace it is. But not that erotic love, because of which many create relationships and families, deeply believing that here it is ... the same ... true love... No. And now I'm talking about love - service. In general, love is a verb, and its synonym is to serve.
To love \u003d serve
It is known that in the entire Universe there is no more power than the power of love. Love is energy. And she is capable of performing miracles. So a woman's strength lies in her ability to love. To love means:
Care
inspire
look after
feed
respect
listen
to honor
be faithful
If a woman understands the true meaning of love, then she is “doomed” to happiness. It will be easy for such a woman to inspire her husband for the exploits, who, as a result of this love, will begin to bring money into the house, constantly increasing the well-being of the family.
If you inspire your husband to exploits, which is actually a woman's duty, then sooner or later, your husband will reach heights in his affairs, both material (big earnings) and spiritual (recognition). To do this, you just have to constantly tell your husband that everything is fine with him, that everything is working out for him, that he is talented, that he is doing everything right. A husband and wife have a very strong and deep spiritual connection, so the husband believes his wife at this moment, enthusiasm appears in him, his confidence grows; confidence is followed by decisive action; and after the actions are the results. This is how the chain of family happiness is built.
If you dream that your husband will be successful in public affairs (at work, in business, in any activity) and bring home a lot of money, then everything is in your hands. This is very easy to learn. Look again (above) what love is. If you fill a man with this love, then he will start earning more so that you do not have to work at all.
Reasonableness of a woman
The next strength of harmonious family relationships is the rationality of a woman. This is when all family and interpersonal issues are resolved without disputes, bickering and disagreements. When the wife is able to achieve her goal through consent, affectionate communication and obedience. If a wife learns not to contradict her husband, but to initially agree with him in everything, showing her humility and obedience, then such a wife will always get what she wants. But only in a different, more reasonable way than reproaches, insults or manipulation. In such a house there will always be peace and tranquility, which, you see, is not enough.
Here the psychology is simple: a man, by nature, is strong in spirit and body. And so he cannot fight the weak. He will cease to respect himself. When a woman shows weakness and obedience, he cannot fight it, he cannot resist. And he always agrees. And when a woman begins to "pump the muscles" of her unreasonableness - to scream, yell, argue, climb with her fists, then the beast begins to wake up in the man. And then the relationship goes to the level of scuffle and assault or constant quarrels and showdown.
Any wife should understand that two things make a man happy - when he is respected and when he is listened to. If this happens in the family, then for him it will mean one thing - he is loved here. And for people who treat him this way (wife, children), he will be ready to move mountains.
Therefore, I repeat, the power of family happiness lies in the wisdom of a woman.
Building up experience
The next power that will help build a strong marriage and happy relationships is learning. Previously, their mothers and grandmothers passed on the experience of family life to young girls and shared their secrets, experiences and best practices. Now all this knowledge is forgotten and for many it has lost its relevance.
The wisdom of this experience can be useful to any girl, in whatever state she is - just about to get married, already married, in a happy marriage, in an unhappy marriage. In any situation, you can at least try to fix the situation and change everything for the better. But change requires knowledge.
So, constant training on how to behave in marriage, how to behave with your husband, how to bring up and build relationships with children, how to take your role in family life, will help build strong relationships and create a happy family.
If a woman does not study these issues, then it will be difficult for her to understand the cause of many failures and she will not know how to act correctly. And acquiring knowledge will accumulate experience in it, which is much more important than obtaining, say, an economic education or any other. Experience will help her to build harmonious and deep relationships with household members and relatives. Experience will help you quickly identify a problem, react to it, and solve it.
Openness to husband
The next strength of strong family ties is openness to your husband. It is very important for a woman to learn how to communicate openly with her husband and tell him everything that is happening in her life. Not with a friend to share this, but with a husband. This will help strengthen the relationship and deepen it. And this is the best prevention of betrayal and divorce. Everything that lies in your heart - ideas, thoughts, fears, doubts, it is necessary to devote your husband to all this.
At the same time, it should be noted that a man should not share with his wife what is in his heart. This is a sign of weakness. Imagine that your husband comes home from work and starts talking about his worries (whining), discussing what someone said or did, how someone was dressed (gossiping), and how his day went. A real man shouldn't even pay attention to all these things. He must be above all this.
Do not wash dirty linen in public
Another rule that must be observed to build a happy and harmonious family is never to wash dirty linen in public. For some reason, in our time, it is customary to share the details of family life with friends, relatives or even a psychologist, revealing all the nuances of family life. This is a big mistake. Everything that the family lives with must remain within the family. This will help cultivate strength in the family. And if you endure family happiness outside the family, then this force will gradually diminish, bringing discord and quarrels to the family.
Keep the strength of your family in your hands. You can say a word with family and friends that everything is fine with you, that things are fine. And that's it! Nobody else needs to know anything. Your family is your fortress. Guard her!
Mutual respect
It is very important in the family to develop respect for each other. The whole strength of the family is built on mutual respect. This is the necessary foundation on which happiness is built. If spouses respect each other, then the children will respect them. Moreover, it should be noted that respect is closely related to loyalty. If a wife respects her husband, she will never allow herself to smile sweetly, like a woman at another man. And if he doesn’t respect, then he will allow. When mutual respect melts, happiness gradually disappears along with it. The feeling of respect in oneself for another person (in particular, for a husband) must be consciously cultivated and developed. For family happiness is at stake.
I am perfectly aware that everything that is written in this article is not easy to understand and accept, and even more difficult to apply in life. It is much easier for us to go on diets, to starve, to lift weights in gyms, than to obey our husband or stop comparing him to others. Applying all this knowledge requires a lot of inner work. But it is very easy to find motivation for yourself here, just decide once and for all - do you want to be happy and build a happy marriage? If so, you will find the strength to at least try to follow these recommendations.
It is important to remember that happiness outside of us appears only when it appears inside us. Thanks to the subtle energy that women possess, we are able to make whole revolutions. But let's first make a revolution in our minds in order to change our life and the lives of people close to us for the better.
