Hello! In May, I started dating a young man, he was 27 years old, I was 24 at the time. We studied together then, he suggested we go somewhere. On the first date it came to sex, I thought that this would all end, but no. On his own initiative, he started writing and calling, we started dating, and two weeks after we met, he invited his friends to his wedding. Everything went perfectly, like in a fairy tale - no quarrels, no misunderstandings. In touch every day, even when one of us was away. Ideal in bed too. We saw each other every two or three days and stayed with each other overnight. Once we went to another city. By and large, there was no candy-bouquet stage. He brought me bread, eggs and milk when he came home. One day he lost some document at home and asked me to search his apartment. We went to Ikea together and chose furniture for him (we didn’t live together). It all looked like a fairly mature relationship.
We were both supposed to start graduate school in September. Both did not get in, with the same scores. On the day the results were announced, my boyfriend went on vacation to Spain (I’ll make a reservation that we both live in Poland, he’s Polish, I’m Russian). Two days later I entered graduate school by correspondence. He was in Spain for two weeks. For the first 8 days everything went as usual - calls, SMS whenever possible. Then I didn’t get in touch for three days (planned, because I was in the mountains, there were problems with communication). And then suddenly he didn’t get in touch, he wrote on Facebook that he was returning and that we would meet in two days. Two days later he came to my house (I had just moved, he had not yet been in this apartment) and said that while he was in the mountains, he thought a lot about “life without graduate school.” And that he never told me that he loved me and most likely did not love me. This is not entirely true - he said that he fell in love, called him his beloved, etc. He offered to remain friends and really insisted on this. He also said that he would soon leave Poland for a long period anyway (he tried to enter the Ministry of Foreign Affairs then, but later it didn’t work out and didn’t go anywhere).
I was in such shock that I could neither eat nor sleep for several days. At work I sat and just looked at one point. She invited him to a conversation. I calmly explained my position - that I think that we should try to save the relationship, that this is all unexpected, that if it’s about graduate school, I’m ready to drop out. And that if he didn’t tell me “I love you” for six months, but at the same time - and on this we agreed - the relationship was very good, then there’s no point in breaking it off. He listened, said he would think about it, and was quite embarrassed. A few days later he came again and said that there was no point and that we would break up anyway. One of the arguments was that he broke up with his girlfriend in high school, then they tried dating again and quarreled so much that they stopped communicating completely. The fact that 10 years have passed does not bother him.
From that moment on we are so-called friends. That is, it looks like this: we correspond on Facebook (mainly on my initiative), occasionally we meet at my house. I haven't been to see him for two months. He does not avoid these meetings; Last time I sat for 2.5 hours. We do not talk about personal life, only about travel (both travelers), about books, plans, etc.
I didn’t have a serious relationship before him, everything ended very quickly. I didn't trust him from the very beginning. Perhaps one of the reasons was that once I was raped by one of my acquaintances, and after that I find it quite difficult to make contact with other men. The young man does not know about this.
I don't understand what to do. Playing friends is starting to get tiresome. I don't understand why he left me and why not to the end? When I broke off a relationship with someone, then firmly and forever. Now I do not cut off contact with him just because I hope that the old relationship will be resumed. For what reason he does not cut them off - I do not know.
He did not have a new girl, he acted towards me, apparently quite honestly. All articles advise to remember the negative moments in the relationship, but we did not have them. No quarrels, no conflicts, no jealousy.
Memories now eat me up, and all sorts of little things (such as spending time together or making coffee in the morning). I cry every evening. The idea of looking for someone else seems disgusting. I ask for your advice: why did it happen, why is this situation now and what to do? Thank you in advance. Olga
3 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: The young man offered to remain friends
Hello Olga.
The situation is really difficult. It’s difficult not because of the events, but because of how you deal with it emotionally.
1. Does this happen?
Yes, it happens when, at the height of a wonderful relationship, a man suddenly disappears without clear explanations, or distances himself.
This is especially difficult because the reason is not clear, and girls begin to look for it within themselves, tormenting themselves with questions about what is wrong and what they can do.
2. What to do?
Accept the fact that you are not to blame for anything and cannot do anything, but you feel very bad about it. Make a decision to end the torment or prolong it. Tell the man that you are hurt and that such a relationship does not suit you. This is definitely not friendship, since friendship is built only on mutual interest and pleasure, trust and sincerity, and your relationship is rather built on restraining sincerity and increasing tension. You feel constrained and unfree.
It follows from this that either you can stop everything and accept the breakup, mourning it and forgetting, or continue to wait, realizing that it torments you and may never lead to anything.
I can add from myself that what keeps a man in such a relationship can be, for example, a feeling of guilt or, conversely, a feeling of power. but this is just one of many things that could happen.
Biryukova Anastasia, Gestalt therapy in St. Petersburg and Skype around the world
Good answer 3 Bad answer 1Hello Olga!
It is difficult to say for what reason your boyfriend moved your relationship to a friendly format, but you will have to accept it. While you have not accepted, but have resigned yourself, that is why you are experiencing pain. You still have expectations that everything will come back.
Accept that now he is ready only for friendship, and after that decide what you will do next - be friends, without the desire to have something more, wait, without deadlines and guarantees that he will again want to resume a man-woman relationship, or, if you don’t need him as a friend, end this relationship.
Only by accepting the situation as such. whatever it is, you can make your informed choice. By making your own decision, you will remove yourself from the “hook” of waiting, which is painful. While you wait, the situation is unlikely to change. Read my article I hope you find it useful.
If you need help, please contact us. You can work via Skype.
Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Hello Olga!
This happens when the views on their existing relationships between the partners themselves do not coincide with regard to their prospects. The “ideal picture” is different for everyone. In addition, on a subconscious level, someone in a couple may have increased expectations and claims towards themselves as an individual: “worthy - not worthy”, “if I can pull it, I won’t pull it”. It's a matter of ambition. Most often, this occurs among men, based on the position: “A man should be better than a woman, more educated, smarter, etc.” While I was reading your question, I remembered an episode from the old Soviet film “Big Change”. There, the main character, the young historian Nestor Petrovich, did not enter graduate school, and his fiancée Polina beat him according to the results of the examination committee, thereby receiving the only budget place. Nestor Petrovich was quite self-confident, even narcissistic, and when he was defeated, essentially by his fiancee, it turned the world upside down in his eyes. It became impossible for him to continue his relationship with the successful Polina.
In your case, there is no question about love, about continuing the relationship until the man accepts himself with all his victories and defeats, his real self, not his ideal self.
Some people think that separation should be preceded by quarrels, endless showdowns. This is also a misconception. For some, a showdown is pointless, because they have long ago decided everything for themselves for everyone else. And if someone doesn’t agree, then that’s his problem.
Accept what happened as a fact. Don’t “break your spears” in search of the truth, don’t overload yourself with analyzing other people’s actions, or looking for someone to blame or for shortcomings in yourself. Don't settle for relationships that you don't want. Take time to “cool down” from old events in your personal life, leave them in your memory as an invaluable experience with all their pros and cons, and then clearly formulate for yourself what kind of relationship with a man you need and what it will be based on.
Good luck! Sincerely, psychologist-consultant, Oksana Spasichenko. Saint Petersburg.
Spasichenko Oksana Nikolaevna, psychologist in St. Petersburg
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0A few years ago I wrote an article entitled “”, which discussed the feasibility of such a friendship, but without regard to the desire to return the guy. That is, it was assumed that return was not your goal. In the time that has passed since that publication, in the comments to my articles they very often ask: “What should I do if my ex suggested “staying friends” after a breakup? Should we agree to a new format of relationship in the form of “friendship”? Will such “friendship” with your ex help you get him back?” Today I will try to answer these questions.
Should I accept my ex-boyfriend's offer to “stay friends”?
It is hardly possible to find any other factor that would have a greater negative impact on the chance than “staying friends.” Nothing will slow down the process of rebuilding a relationship more.
You probably think that turning the relationship into a “friendship” state will help you be closer to your guy, but in reality you will be moving further away from him. The longer the “friendship” lasts, the deeper you become established in the role of a friend and the less likely it is that the guy will again see you not as a platonic, but as a romantic partner.
In addition, it is worth noting that this “friendship” will not bring you joy. Imagine, for example, how your ex-boyfriend starts dating another girl, and you have to sit back and watch, because you are a friend. Moreover, you will need to pretend to be “happiness”, because you are a friend. Now imagine how a guy walks with this girl “hand in hand” where you walked with him and how he takes her to “your places”. Now try to imagine him calling you the next day to talk about it, listen to your opinion and ask for advice.
Think about it, how can you be “friends” like that? - Of course not! If you still love him, you cannot deceive yourself and pretend that no love exists. The passive role of a friend will only lead you to the most severe jealousy, bitterness, and ultimately to anger and resentment.
The biggest misconception about being “friends” with your ex
When a guy says after a breakup, “Let’s stay friends,” “I don’t want to lose touch with you,” “we’ll still talk,” or something like that, it’s very easy to make the mistake of agreeing with it. The reason for this mistake is simple: you don’t want to “lose it completely.” But the “final loss” that most girls talk about is nothing more than an illusion and self-deception. There is not and cannot be any “incomplete” loss for you. Romantic relationships either exist or they don’t, there’s no middle ground. After all, you need a romantic relationship, and not just any kind. But for a guy who left you, there is precisely an incomplete loss, because friendship with you completely suits him, and only by losing this friendship will he lose you completely.
It seems to you that by “staying friends” with your ex, you do not lose contact with him. You can, as before, call or write to him, talk to him, see him, or even hang out somewhere together. You think that over time, an insight will suddenly descend on him, he will understand that he loves you, after which the relationship will be restored in the most natural way. At first glance, it is a simple, clear and easy strategy. However, the reality is that it almost never works. If you become a friend to your ex-boyfriend, it does not increase the chances of his return, but on the contrary, it reduces them, making a return extremely unlikely.
Why? “At the end of the day, the guy has everything he had while you were in the relationship, but at the same time he is free from any obligations to you. And if you also consider that in many cases “friendship” with an ex also includes “friendly” sex, then the guy is generally completely satisfied with everything.
Let's look at the situation from your ex-boyfriend's point of view:
He gets the freedom to contact you whenever he needs;
he can see you whenever he wants or when he misses you;
he can have fun spending his free time with you and even offer joint travel, vacations, trips, parties, picnics (and you won’t refuse, you won’t risk it);
he is not obliged to call you, write, entertain, pay attention, listen, etc., because he is not your boyfriend, but just a friend;
he can quite easily date other girls without the risk of losing you;
he also gets the opportunity to maintain an intimate connection with you.
Name at least one reason why a guy, having all this, would want to reconnect with you. Seriously, think about it. Your ex-boyfriend has no incentive to get back with you. By having you as a friend, he has everything he could have in a relationship.
The ex-boyfriend extracts the maximum benefit for himself from his “friendship” with you - you love him, take care of him, try to please him, in the hope that he will return, and the guy is only “friends” with you. In fact, your ex-boyfriend is exploiting your feelings by giving him false hope that makes you want to be a very good, perfect friend to him no matter what. You cannot be offended, respond to rudeness or neglect, because if you lose your temper, then your hope is over. It seems to you that then you will “lose him completely,” and the guy takes advantage of your tension and fear even unconsciously (and sometimes consciously).
A very unpleasant situation, isn't it? - But the worst thing is that you yourself are to blame for this if you agreed to “remain friends” even after the guy left you. Don't indulge yourself with illusions. When offering friendship, a guy is not guided solely by crystal clear thoughts. Think about it, if you're not good enough for him to be his girlfriend, then why are you good enough to be his friend? Doesn't this seem strange? By agreeing to be a friend, you thereby agree to lower your status, and this is humiliating.
Imagine if your best friend announced that she would no longer consider you her best friend, but only a friend, but at the same time insists on continuing communication, spending time together and mutual help: “I want you to continue to treat me as to your best friend, but you won’t be my best friend anymore.” Humiliating? - Yes! Would that suit you? Would you agree to this? - No! Why then should you agree to even greater humiliation in front of your ex-boyfriend? Even if you are very guilty before him, then this is only a reason for an apology, for working on yourself, but not a reason for humiliation and loss of self-esteem.
What to do if your ex-boyfriend wants to be "friends"
The solution to this problem is actually very simple and obvious: you should tell him no. Just say it directly: “Thanks, but no.” You love him too much to allow yourself to be content with only the status of a friend, to pretend that it suits you and not dare to show your true feelings. Therefore, it’s either love or nothing. Maybe someday in the future you will be able to become his friend, but not now and not in the near future. Just wish your guy all the best and say goodbye to him.
If you can do just that, the guy will naturally not be pleased, because this is not at all what he expected. Breaking up a relationship is an unpleasant thing not only for the one who is being thrown, but also for the one who is leaving. Of course, these are different levels of "trouble", but at the same time, these are troubles and experiences for both parties. In such conditions, the guy wants to provide himself with freedom of maneuver, but at the same time he deprives you of this freedom.
He became uncomfortable with you (because of which he broke off relations), but he still does not know how he will be without you. So he strives to make the transition from the state “with you” to the state “without you” as painless as possible for himself. The guy, as it were, puts his foot in the door so that you do not close it, on the other hand, he leans on the same door so that you do not open it, and the resulting gap, the width of which, by the way, is under his complete control, calls "friendship" . Thus, he does not need to make a choice - to be with you or without you, since you, as it were, remain with him. He loses nothing and risks nothing.
It is worth noting that this guy's behavior is not malicious intent to cause you suffering. In such situations, most people act exactly according to this scheme. If there is an opportunity not to make a choice and not expose oneself to the risk of later regretting his decision, a person will use this opportunity for as long as he is allowed to.
Indeed, it is one thing to look for new clothes while the old one remains with you, but it is quite another when, before buying a new one, the old one must be given away. This is a completely different level of responsibility for your decision, there are risks, right?
By denying a guy “friendship” after a breakup, you deprive him of his freedom of maneuver and force him to make a choice that he avoids in every possible way, because as a result of this choice he really risks losing you “finally”.
Refusing the offer to “stay friends” is a very powerful move that makes a guy think hard about the correctness of his decision. Indeed, in this case, you also get freedom of maneuver, exactly the same as he does. Therefore, you can live your life, date other guys, have fun without your ex-boyfriend, and he won't even know with whom, when or where. Does this prospect make him happy? - Of course not!
In many cases, having received a refusal of “friendship” from the girl he left behind, a guy can actually understand after a relatively short time that he was in a hurry to break off the relationship and is not ready for his girlfriend to go to someone else. This may prompt the guy to think that perhaps it is worth restoring the relationship, but just work better on mutual understanding before that.
In fact, guys are not at all as cruel as their actions suggest and are not as difficult to understand as they seem. Therefore, know that when a guy says: “It’s all over between us,” and his decision is final, irrevocable, and under no circumstances will he ever return to you, then in fact, inside him, everything is not so simple. And if he offers you “friendship” after a breakup, then it’s even more ambiguous.
Why you shouldn't pay attention to your ex-boyfriend's attempts to be friends
The fantasy of almost every girl left by her boyfriend looks something like this: Suddenly the phone rings, and the girl sees that it is her ex-boyfriend. Excited, she watches as his name and number appear on the phone screen... or an email comes from him, or a message on a social network, or something else. In short, no matter what, he wants to contact her. Now she will answer him and hear that he loves her, cannot live without her and wants to restore the relationship...
But is this really so? – As a rule, this is not the case at all. Why then does your ex-boyfriend want to contact you? What could this mean?
In such a situation, you are too worried to understand the reasons for his attempt to make contact. Most often, the ex-boyfriend does not need contact in order to restore the relationship. Usually this is “reconnaissance” in order to find out whether the “place of your boyfriend” vacated by him is free and whether it is still reserved for him. He needs the most complete information in order to understand how free he is to maneuver and how much time he has to stay in a state where he does not yet need to make a final choice between “being with you” or “being without you.” Simply put, the guy wants to know how great the risk is of losing you completely, and whether you feel free in your further actions.
It is possible that contact will be supported by some plausible pretext, for example, “to pick up your things.” He may want to look at you, see you, visit you at home so that the “intelligence data” about the assessment of your current position is as accurate as possible. He can also collect information through friends, colleagues, and relatives. During a contact or meeting, he will probably want to secure your consent to maintain constant contact in the future (“let’s communicate, because you are not a stranger to me”), and ideally, to “become friends” in order to have a guarantee of freedom for himself maneuver (which I already wrote about above). Sometimes a guy can resort to manipulation - start to be “offended” if you refuse him “friendship” and blackmail you with “his final loss,” but he will do this only in order not to lose control over you.
Naturally, there may be other cases and other reasons, but, as a rule, it is the desire to control you, the whole situation as a whole, and to be calm about his unoccupied place in your heart, that serves as an incentive that forces a guy not to lose touch with you after the end of the relationship . This is why breaking up is so important, especially in the first few days or even weeks after a breakup.
Please note that I am not saying anything about the need to ignore your ex-boyfriend or not respond to his messages and phone calls, about blacklisting him and deleting him from “friends” on social networks, about writing him a devastating letter expressing all your grievances ... It’s better not to do any of this, since this is a manifestation not of strength, but of weakness. Plus, it won't always be possible to do this because you might work or study together, live in the same house, have mutual friends, and hang out in the same places.
Your goal is not to temporarily cut your ex-boyfriend out of your life. All you have to do is push his foot out of the door crack and put yours there, seize control of the door, and show the guy only what you want to show - a strong girl, capable of surviving a heavy blow of fate and looking to the future, or else What he wants to see is a weak and pathetic creature ready to give up everything in order to devote her entire life to waiting for his return. Let the guy not understand anything and constantly doubt - who you are with, where you are, how you spend your time, what you are thinking about, or maybe you already have someone... This will inflame his curiosity even more.
However, if you are not capable of that level of self-control with your ex-boyfriend, think very carefully before you happily answer his call a couple of days or weeks after the breakup, even if you can think of a million reasons to do so. After all, you will give yourself away and let your ex-boyfriend know that you are still waiting for his return, his place is free, and he can take his time and not worry about anything. I am against ignoring and playing “silent”, but if you have to choose between “completely ignoring” and “being friends”, it is better to choose the first, because by remaining friends with your ex, you will greatly delay his return or even make it impossible.
Only when you are ready to get your ex-boyfriend back, when you understand what the true reason for the breakup was and how to build a new relationship, only then can you start all over again and become friends. But this will be a different friendship - before the relationship, and not after it. Hope you understand the difference?
FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I’m trying to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.
In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, and do not expect that I will advise in the comments or accompany your situation.
Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but in this case, be prepared for the fact that I may not answer you. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.
If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.
With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica
Breaking up with your loved one. A sea of tears and half-dead dreams. You fell head over heels in love with him, and then he turned his back on you. Grasping the last thread of hope, you think that friendly meetings will give you a chance to return his love. But is it worth settling for friendship as a consolation prize?
What made me write this article was reading the same type of stories about the so-called “friendship with exes” (this is when he has friendly sex, and she still has the same love affair). Is it worth turning from a lover into a “girlfriend”, dreaming of someday returning to the previous status?
I read on the forum:
“Tell me, is this the end, or does everything depend on me?Can it be returned?
He said that he would not rush to develop that relationship for now, and he needed to forget me.
I know that meetings are excluded, he will avoid me, but I!!! knocked out friendship!!! We will communicate.
I am also encouraged that he has not yet told his friends that he left me (at least he said so).
Or maybe I’m wishful thinking and that’s all...
“Knocked out friendship?” They beat out debts and carpets! And in love and friendship, no one owes anyone anything.
Either mutual interest - either one kisses, and the other condescendingly substitutes, well, if the cheek. If a person has clearly stated that the relationship is over - to extort friendship means to beg for love.
What do those begging for love count on? At best, those who “beg” can only be given pity. And those who are only pitied are no longer admired, but simply strive to gently get rid of them. You give the poor in spirit and purse a gold piece as a consolation and strive to quickly pass by, so that you no longer become attached and no longer whine.
If you can’t remain in the status of your beloved, at least maintain your self-respect!
No matter how hard it is, you shouldn’t slide into clinging to the last thread of hope. Following her feelings, the woman clings to the “empty space.” She doesn’t realize that by doing this she is killing the last chance to return his feelings.
When a woman begs for love, she falls in the eyes of a man because she becomes pathetic and dependent, no matter what words she uses to cover up this condition.
D You can offer friendship when you leave yourself, but offering it when they leave you means not allowing the person to appreciate the emptiness that forms in his life after your separation.
(On how to properly disappear from a man’s life, if you want to return his interest, in the book
Sometimes we only begin to appreciate something when we lose the opportunity to see it every day. But how will he understand what treasure he has lost if this treasure itself jumps on his neck?!
After breaking off the relationship, I invited one person to “just be friends.” I was hooked by his reaction: “We had such love - why spoil it with friendship?” Truly a person not prone to self-deception. Despite the fact that during our meetings he showed his love in every possible way and, after my words, he did not run after me, but simply looked away and let go. To be honest, I returned to thoughts about him more than once.
I remembered his phrase, and one day I had to use it too. To the suggestion-manipulation to remain friends, I replied carelessly: “I found a girlfriend! I’m not old enough to be friends with men yet.” That's all. I cut off all contacts. I didn’t go to the places where he goes. A few months later, he began to approach me again, with some neutral proposals, I communicated calmly and politely, as with a person with whom nothing had ever been connected. Then, apparently deciding that I did not understand that now he was determined to do more than just be friends, he wrote to me: “I want us to have everything as before. I want to see you." And then he “asked”, and I made the decision whether to return or not.
Believe it or not, when a man breaks up with you, he is not always confident in himself. Immediately after a breakup, he looks for evidence that he did the right thing and, more importantly, he has a safety net, just in case. if suddenly he wants you to come back. Does this mean that you should make communication with you accessible to him? In no case. Just the opposite. If a man understands that you are somewhere nearby and just waiting for the moment when he changes his mind, this will only give him confidence in his decision.
Many women do not understand this point. Knowing that you are still around provides a man with a strong safety net. He's free to do what he wants, go where he wants, meet and go on dates with whoever he wants... and if it doesn't work out? You are still close, where he left you. He may pick you up again and continue the relationship as if nothing had happened. Congratulations, you are together again! But is this what you wanted?
No. Not on these terms.
All the time that a man will have a safety net, he will always do what he wants. And with whomever he pleases. Sitting and waiting for your ex to want to reconsider your breakup is something you don't want to do under any circumstances—until it happens on your terms. Your condition is only if the man truly wants you back.
Only by taking away his safety net will you give him the opportunity to really experience what life is like without you. If it scares him (trust me, it will) - it will not give him the opportunity to easily meet new women. He will think about where you are, what you are doing and why you still haven't called. He will be more careful in his actions while he is waiting for your reaction. And when he doesn't see her, it will bother him even more. This is the stage where your ex is most likely to try to contact you.
WHAT IF HE SAYS HE STILL WANTS TO BE FRIENDS?
The offer to remain friends after a breakup is nothing more than a ploy on the part of the ex. Most likely your man has more than enough friends. It doesn’t matter what he says, what verbal forms he puts this thought into, how he tries to convince him that this idea is wonderful... because it will never be so. It doesn't matter if you think you can handle such a role. After the number of times you've slept together, you're just kidding yourself that you'll suddenly be able to have fun together without it turning into something physical.
from a man's point of view:
I always tell my exes that let's remain friends. This is the best way to de-escalate the situation. Some girls get very upset at the thought of never seeing you again. Talking about friendship helps avoid such complications, so I use it in almost every case.
Another significant good part of a friendship proposal is that it leaves the door open for possible future sex. When you are friends, you keep in touch. You can contact the girl as often as you want, without feeling pressure to respond to her as your favorite friend. This is the ideal situation. When one of us is lonely, we pick up the phone.
Offering to remain friends is either a way to defuse the situation or to create conditions for satisfying the call of the flesh. If this is what you need, great. But if you want a long-term serious relationship, then friendship is the last thing you need. You want your ex-man back. Since that was when you were a couple.
Still not convinced? Imagine how you will feel when your ex starts dating someone and then tells you about it in detail. Now imagine how your ex leaves you again, now as a friend, because his new girlfriend does not want him to communicate with you anymore.
You accepted the gap as it is. We lay low for a while. Your next move will be to remove the safety net your ex is leaning on. This must be done passively, not actively. Convince your mind of one important thing - you do not accept anything other than a full-fledged serious relationship as a positive outcome.
This will prepare you mentally for the moment when your ex calls you and that time is just around the corner. If you haven't talked to him, written to him, or done anything similar, equally frivolous, then there is a high probability that the call will come soon. And now he will come up with a reason to talk to you. Maybe he forgot the discs at your house. Maybe he wants to return something you left at his house. In any case, he will start the conversation with something innocent and frivolous.
FIRST CONTACT AFTER A BREAKUP - HOW TO DO IT CORRECTLY
How you conduct your first post-breakup conversation with your ex will be another critical point in getting him back. One wrong move, one wrong phrase and... your relationship may remain ruins forever. Below are the rules for the first telephone conversation after a breakup. Make sure you understand them well:
- Make it simple, casual and fast. You don't want to spend more than two or three minutes talking anyway.
- If he wants to talk more, refer to the fact that you are already running away. If he still insists on talking, tell him that you will call back later, or tomorrow if it’s too late.
- Do not be aggressive under any circumstances, no matter what happens. If he starts talking about breaking up, let him talk. Don't say anything special yourself. Remember to keep the conversation short.
- Don't sound happy that he called, but don't be a jerk either. You should sound like he interrupted you in the middle of something. It's not so easy to pretend to be busy on the phone, but there is a trick with food. Take an apple or any other fruit. While you are eating something, you sound more normal, without excessive notes of joy or anger, or any other strong emotions.
- If he asks what you were doing, answer. If you were with friends or family, tell him. If you worked or studied, tell us about that too. Don't go into detail on any issue if you even have something to brag about. Remember: fast and casual.
- If he asks how you are, tell him that you are fine. Don't go into details, let him guess what you meant.
AFTER THE CALL - SOW THE SEEDS OF DOUBT
After you hang up, do what you told your ex - go for a walk. it doesn't matter where you go, just walk for a while. Calm your nerves and prevent yourself from being tempted to pick up the phone if he calls back again.
Done correctly, the first telephone contact can be another huge step in getting your man back. There may be confusion and some degree of confusion on his part. He may think that you are distancing yourself. These are all good signs. You just pulled a few more strands from his safety net.
At this point, he begins to wonder why you didn’t call him back (and you didn’t call him back) and what you are so busy with. Moreover, he will ask himself where you are going in the evening. if you're lucky, he might get a little jealous. Since the breakup, he's definitely been thinking about you, even if only a little. What's more important is that in his mind he's asking himself if you're even thinking about him.
This is just what you need
We live in a world where every day they try to prove to us that friendship with ex-partners is not just normal, but good, civilized, progressive. But psychologists think differently. And they have good reason.
As a rule, when parting with former lovers, we vow to ourselves to remain on good terms, keep in touch, not get lost, and come to the rescue. And in general, when a relationship breaks down, unless, of course, it is a scandal accompanied by breaking dishes and things thrown from the balcony, we are honestly going to remain friends and... stop communicating altogether. It turns out that ending a relationship, getting lost, even with the warmest feelings for each other, is normal. We have already said everything, found out everything and literally in a few moments became strangers to each other.
Not so long ago, scientists from a New Zealand clinical center even stated that only people with mental problems maintain friendships with former lovers. 850 volunteers took part in the study. The experts asked them a series of detailed questions about their previous relationships. In particular, respondents had to talk about the reasons for the breakup and about contacts with their ex-partner after the breakup. Having thoroughly studied the behavior of each of the respondents, experts found out that only people suffering from various types of mental disorders maintain warm, friendly relationships with ex-partners.
A woman wants to be friends with her ex because she still has hope. A man ─ because he hopes for sex.
Interesting fact: the ulterior motives why people want to remain friends with their exes are radically different between men and women. If a woman who wants to be “friends”, as a rule, is not able to realize that the romance is over and it’s time to move on, then the man looks at the situation without illusions, and wants to remain friends solely for the sake of satisfying his sexual needs. So you shouldn’t get your hopes up - such friendship, combined with sexual contact, can drag on for years, and no qualitative changes will follow.
There are always two people to blame for the breakdown of a relationship, this truth is as old as time, so it is not surprising that after a tragic (or not so tragic) ending, there is no desire to maintain the relationship, even if you do not immediately rush into the next romance.
Experts say that those who insist on maintaining friendly relations should be treated with the greatest caution. Moreover, sexy.
Another option: your ex is a psychopath. Yes, yes, this also happens, some deviations may not be noticed, and if doubts still arise in your head, you will immediately throw them away, attributing your partner’s strange behavior to excessive emotionality. Meanwhile, psychopaths are also owners, however, unlike narcissists, their sense of possessiveness gets along quite well with a painful attachment to their significant other, unreasonable jealousy, fits of aggression or attacks of despondency, so, most likely, by agreeing to be friends with a psychopath, you are dooming yourself to endless hysterics, which will only become more frequent over time. In addition, former partners are often looking for an opportunity to get at least some benefit from us, in other words, if things don’t work out with love, you need to “shake out” everything else, including, by the way, sex.
With women it’s a little different. The psyche of many of us is so structured that sometimes it is quite difficult for men to distinguish whether a lady simply has an obnoxious and capricious character, or whether she really has problems with her head. Often our need for friendship with exes is a consequence of deep emotional attachment. We, especially if our feelings, unlike those of our partner, have not yet faded away, are gladly ready to accept the new rules “now we are friends” for one single reason: it seems to us that if the ex-boyfriend remains in our field of vision, it will be too early or later he will return. This is not so, especially if the “person opposite” has not had tender feelings for you for a long time, over time the friendly relationship will simply begin to irritate him, the relationship will still end completely, and you will have to be treated for depression for a long time. The easiest way to forget someone you still love is to run away, as quickly and far as possible.
And yet, even taking into account the research of scientists, you should not think that your man, falling into the category of exes, immediately becomes mortally dangerous, by no means, your ex does not become a maniac, but it would still be nice to keep an ear to the ground, in after all, who among us wants to be used, offended, abandoned? And warm relations - why not? After all, we live in a civilized world, cultural separation is now in fashion, especially if you were connected not just by a romantic relationship, but by years of marriage or even children.
