Hello. As I promised, today we will talk about why the world sometimes seems so wrong and unfair to us, and, of course, I will tell you how to get rid of this painful feeling. I don’t know about you, but for me this problem has been relevant for quite a long time. Many things happening to me (and around me) seemed terribly wrong. I couldn’t understand why a pretty and beautiful girl could start dating a real redneck, I couldn’t understand why some rude boor achieves so much more in life than a friendly and peace-loving person. This list goes on and on, but I think you get my point.
Personally, realizing this made me feel uneasy. I almost got to the point of suicidal thoughts. And for a very long time I absolutely could not understand in which direction I needed to dig in order to get rid of this feeling. But after a lot of time I still managed to figure out what was what.
As usual, all roots start from an early age. During childhood, parents try to instill in their child moral values and explain what is good and what is bad. They do this for two reasons. Firstly, it’s easier to manage a child this way, and secondly, this is how it’s supposed to be in our society. Instilling such qualities as modesty, politeness, and intelligence is the norm. After all, a child must be cultured and decent. But no one really thinks about why this is needed.
As a result, the child, like a sponge, absorbs the words of his parents and everything goes well for him, but only up to a certain point. Once in a team, a child sees that not everyone is as correct and intelligent as him. And then he begins to rely on his culture as a distinctive feature that separates him from all the “bad” ones. And somewhere in his subconscious the thought “I’m better than them!” even slips through.
But sooner or later, a child (and by that time, perhaps, no longer a child at all) thinks: “Why am I good, and everyone else is bad and wrong?” And this is where the harsh reality reveals itself to him. In the modern world, it is not the good people who win, but the strong ones. Arrogance and perseverance turn out to be more valuable qualities than decency and intelligence... This is the cruel truth and there is no escape from it.
So what is needed in order to throw off this stone of excessive correctness from the soul? Everything is relatively simple - you just need to realize that those highly moral values that you held on to actually turned out to be false. However, despite the simplicity of the above, this is a rather long and painful process, but it is necessary if you do not want to continue to hover in your illusions. Forget about what people “should” be like, but rather take a closer look at what they really are. And remember that there is no injustice. Everything that happens in the world is correct and natural. Just realize it, come to terms with it and move on with your life...
Many people have experienced in their lives that an acquaintance predicted something good or bad - and it actually happened. Or when a person who committed a vile act “got what he deserved.” Or when the horoscope surprisingly accurately described your life situation. It is difficult to resist the thought that this is the work of some supernatural forces. But the point is not mysticism, but psychology. Why your brain behaves this way and why it can be dangerous - read in the Futurist material.
Belief in a just world
Pale Blue Dot ("pale blue dot" - a photograph of the Earth against the backdrop of space, taken by the Voyager 1 probe from a record distance
Do you think that good deeds will get you into heaven - or that your enemy will get what he deserves? In fact, the world is unfair. And to be even more precise, it cannot be fair or unfair in principle. Take a look at the famous photograph “Pale Blue Dot”, appreciate the scale of the Universe and think: is this huge and chaotic space capable of controlling and evaluating the actions of each individual person, rewarding him or punishing him? However, we continue to believe that life will put everything in its place.
The first to suggest studying faith in justice as a phenomenon of social psychology, was Melvin Lerner . He repeatedly witnessed how bystanders blamed victims for their suffering. The scientist tried to expand the work of his colleague Stanley Milgram , answering the questions of how murderous regimes gain popular support and how people come to accept social norms and laws that create violence. In 1966, Lerner and his colleagues began a series of experiments. In the very first, women watched people who were allegedly being electrocuted. At first, the participants protested against the violence and reacted emotionally to every blow. Gradually their reactions became more restrained - although the suffering they observed increased. But another group of women, who were told that the victim would be rewarded for suffering, supported her until the end of the experiment.
To explain the results of these studies, Lerner suggested that there is a common belief in a just world that functions as a kind of “contract” with the world or some supernatural force regarding the consequences of behavior. This allows people to plan for the future and develop effective, goal-oriented behavior. Even though people face suffering every day for no apparent reason, they use strategies to address threats to their belief in a just world. These strategies can be rational or irrational.
Rational strategies include accepting injustice, trying to prevent injustice or compensate for suffering, and accepting some of one's own limitations. Irrational strategies include denial, disengagement, and reinterpretation of the event. In the case of the latter option, an inversion often occurs: the observer begins to blame the victim - for example, a raped girl for walking late at night in a skirt above the knee. Or a small child gets sick because of the “sins” of his parents - no matter what righteous lifestyle they actually led. Or the lamb is to blame for the fact that the wolf wants to eat. Many examples of victim blaming can be found in the Old Testament, where tragedies and disasters are justified by the previous behavior and sins of the victims. Research conducted Zeke Rabin And Letitia Ann Peplau , showed: people who believe in a fair world are usually more religious, authoritarian and conservative. They approve of the existing regime, worship political leaders and disdain the weak, discriminated against and disadvantaged.
Another aspect of the belief in justice is a sense of personal invulnerability: people often do not believe that they have done anything to deserve or cause trouble, illness or negative attitude towards themselves, and therefore behave carelessly and self-confidently.
Forer effect
Have you ever noticed that all horoscopes, predictions and forecasts are surprisingly similar? They are so vague that a 40-year-old businessman, a pensioner, and a teenage girl can recognize themselves in the same description. This is nothing more than a cognitive distortion.
In 1948, a psychologist Bertram Forer gave 39 students a psychological test and said that based on its results, each would receive a personal characteristic. After a week, each student read the following about themselves:
1. You need other people to like and admire you.
2. You have a tendency to criticize yourself.
3. You have many opportunities that you have not used to your advantage.
4. Although you have some personal weaknesses, you are usually able to compensate for them.
5. Disciplined and self-confident on the outside, you tend to be anxious and unsure of yourself.
6. From time to time you experience serious doubts about whether you have made the right decision.
7. You like change and variety, and are unhappy when you are limited in something.
8. You consider yourself an independent thinker and do not accept other people's statements without satisfactory evidence.
9. You think it is unreasonable to be too frank.
10. At times you are friendly and sociable, and at other times you withdraw into yourself and behave very reservedly.
11. Some of your aspirations tend to be quite unrealistic.
12. Safety is one of your main goals in life.
Forer asked students to rate the accuracy of the characteristic on a scale from 0 (very poor) to 5 (excellent). On average, students rated the correspondence of the characteristics to reality as 4.26 points. And only later did they find out that Forer took this characteristic from an astrological magazine - it turned out to be general enough to suit each of the students. In another study examining this effect, students had to choose between a real characteristic based on psychological testing and a fake one consisting of the same generalized statements. More than 59% of subjects chose the fake one.
What is the secret of a good horoscope? After a series of experiments, it turned out that a person will almost always consider a description of his personality to be reliable and correct if a) it comes from a source authoritative for him b) contains vague formulations c) contains characteristics that suit most people d) characterizes the person’s personality positively.
This is a special case of such cognitive distortion as subjective validation . It is manifested in the fact that a person will consider a statement or other piece of information to be correct if it has some personal meaning or significance for him. In other words, a person will perceive two unrelated events (that is, a coincidence) as related because he wants to find a connection between them. This is how conspiracy theories are born.
Self-fulfilling prophecy effect
Remember the Greek myth of Oedipus? The oracle predicted to Laius, king of Thebes, that if he married Jocasta, he would die by the hand of his son. Disobeying the prediction, Laius marries Jocasta. When his son is born, Lai, fearing for his life, orders the newborn's legs to be pierced and thrown out at the foot of the mountain. But by the will of fate, the child survives. The matured Oedipus learns from the oracle about his fate and, in fear, the young man leaves his adoptive parents. On the way, he meets Laius, enters into an argument with his driver and kills both. Thus, the prophecy comes true.
Alexander Green's story "Scarlet Sails", the myth of Romulus and Remus - there are countless such stories in literature. They are all similar in one thing: their plot accurately describes self-fulfilling prophecy effect , which is often used by soothsayers and stock market players. A person believes in a prediction that is not actually true. But he, consciously or not, changes his behavior, thus bringing the fantasy closer to reality. This situation was described by an American sociologist in 1948 Robert Merton , which, in turn, derived it from the then-famous “Thomas theorem”: “If a person defines a situation as real, it is real in its consequences.” That is, people's behavior is determined not by the situation, but by how they perceive it.
In one of his books, Robert Merton extrapolated this situation from the individual to social institutions. For example, if you start a rumor about the insolvency of a bank, then many clients will want to get their money back and will actually bankrupt it. This property is partly related placebo effect - improvement of the patient's condition after taking a substance that does not have healing properties, based on the patient's belief that the medicine works.
Of course, if you hear that Pluto is falling to Earth, you won't be able to shift its orbit accordingly. This effect extends only to human affairs. And the only way out of this vicious circle according to Merton is to redefine the original prophecy. For example, Oedipus could have learned the truth about his origins from his adoptive father and remained as king in Corinth. But on the other hand, if Assol had lost faith in the fairy tale, she might, given the rumors about her and her family, not get married at all - or get along with a person who would be completely devoid of imagination.
There will never be a perfect time. You are always either too young, or too old, or too busy, or too tired, or something else...
It is much easier to suffer than to change. To be happy you need to have courage
Bert Hellinger.
Indeed, the fear of the new and unknown forces us to remain at the point in our development where we are.
Even if life is not going well, work brings disappointments, relationships are destroyed, the soul is forgotten and covered with dust, the law of conservation or homeostasis keeps us from changing. Because change is dangerous and unpredictable.
No need to wait for a magical kickoff!
We find various ways to close our eyes to the dissatisfaction of spiritual needs, unfulfillment in life, and harsh reality.
“It’s even worse for others”, “it’s not easy for everyone right now”, “and in Africa children are starving”, “it could be worse” - these are the small part of the attitudes and conclusions that allow a person to come to terms with reality, to remain in the situation in which he is in.
In such a state of stability, a person can live his entire life without awakening, without realizing his full potential. Many people are familiar with the situation when a woman lives her entire life in an unhappy marriage out of fear of difficulties and failures, hiding behind caring for children, or saving an alcoholic, or being sick.
Fortunately, there is also the law of development or heterostasis, which forces us to develop, overcome difficulties, move forward, part with what is already outdated and unnecessary, and give way to the wind of change.
Our inner motor, our inquisitive soul, thirsting for everything new and unknown, constantly makes itself felt with an irrepressible inner voice, or a playful mood in early spring after a long winter.
Thus, a person faces a life task in finding a balance between balance and stability. On the one hand, our body is mortal and subject to the fear of death, striving to maintain stability, on the other hand, our immortal soul is not afraid of anything, it is inquisitive and strives for everything new.
A person who listens to his soul, is sensitive to his desires and internal impulses, easily changes his life, profession, place of residence, and life partners.He strives for his dream, does what he loves, lives with those he loves, and, therefore, is happy.
But more often than not this is not the case. Many people are familiar with the feeling of a dragging, uninteresting life, when you feel bogged down in everyday life. A warm swamp, a swamp, a routine - we call it different things and can remain in this state for a long time, waiting for signs from above, a happy occasion, good luck, a magic kick-off, good wizards or rescue heroes who are not ready to take an independent step.
K. P. Estes writes in his book “Wolves Running”: “If you never go into the forest, nothing will ever happen to you, and your life will never begin.” But this requires will, courage and push.
If we look at it abstractly and generally, then all clients come to a psychotherapist for will, courage and impetus.
Of course, at first they present external problems, complaints about others.
Like, the marriage is unhappy, work is depressing, the country is in crisis, there is no money, the children do not obey, they are sick, and I myself am entirely made up of complexes and neuroses given by my parents.
Step by step, consultation by consultation, the client begins to understand that most expectations from the world are not justified, only he HIMSELF is the author of his life.
He realizes his inner freedom, which no one can crush, takes responsibility for his life and becomes POWERFUL.
This is one of the key points in psychotherapy, when the client is ready to move from awareness and analysis of his life and behavior to action, real change in the circumstances of his life.
The following lines are deeply etched in my head, and I now use them as a reminder to myself:
There will never be a perfect time.
You're always either too young
Or too old
Or too busy
Or too tired
Or something else...
If you constantly worry about choosing the perfect moment, it will never come.
By increasing his awareness, recognizing himself, the client begins to look soberly at reality, gains the courage to open his eyes to the real course of things, without using primitive psychological defenses such as denial, projection, etc. This may cause pain, but it also sets in motion the forces of the soul to change the unsatisfactory aspects of life and develop oneself.
In addition to the article, I would like to quote another author (ann_douglas.lifejournal.com), which, with proper humor and self-irony, reveals the essence of a sober view of the world. For me, it's like a sobering shower, which, combined with intuition and courage, brings stunning results.
“And so I thought it was time to finally look at this world realistically, and not through 8 layers of rose-colored glasses. Otherwise, people will remain confident until their gray hairs that they, so smart and talented, will still see the sky in diamonds.
So, the postulates:
- This world is unfair. Just remember.
- You are not unique. You have the same two arms, two legs as 90% of the population. Believe me, there is nothing outstanding about you. And to make it happen, go work, either on yourself or with your hands, or at least wash the dishes. And you are not at all a creative spiritual person that no one understands. You are the most ordinary.
- Your “deep” thoughts are of no value. At all. Yes, you are ordinary and speak platitudes. So what? Not everyone needs to go to Schopenhauer. The most important things are simple and clear.
- Nobody cares about your problems. They have their own. This is normal, because deep down in your heart you don’t care about other people’s difficulties either.
- Stop worrying about what people think of you. Firstly, they don’t think that often, secondly, they don’t care about you, and thirdly, they try to get confused about what you think about them.
- You are of absolutely no importance. There are 7 billion people on earth, you cannot be seen among this sea with a magnifying glass. Therefore, immediately understand that you as a person are actually interesting only to a limited circle of people. These are your parents, husband or wife and a few friends. All. If you have this circle and you are truly important to them, you are very lucky. If not... you understand, right? World is not fair.
- Don `t cry. If you can solve a problem, solve it. If you decide, well done. If you can’t, shut your mouth and eat the soup.
- You are mortal. Sometimes suddenly. Have this in mind. And be glad you're alive, it won't last long.
- Rely only on yourself. Life is long, anything can happen in it. If you think that you can avoid problems because you have a lot of money, cool parents and a sought-after profession, then I'm sorry to disappoint you, but a lot of people in 1917 thought the same way.
- Problems are inevitable. Major and minor troubles are bound to happen, regardless of your behavior and spiritual merits. This happens to everyone. No one is perfect and no one is immune from anything.
- There is no need to think positively. The thoughts are real. You won't get richer than Bill Gates. Realize this already and go wash the dishes, dreamer.
- This too shall pass. And this too". published . If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project .
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet
