How to forgive yourself and what non-forgiveness leads to. How to forgive yourself for cheating: advice from a psychologist (video) How to forgive yourself for your bad past

How to forgive yourself? In the huge topic of forgiveness, the most difficult thing is how to forgive yourself, since it is easier for us to find excuses for others, we do not notice all the undercurrents and hidden motives, but we know everything about ourselves and therefore lose our imagination in finding excuses. In addition, for many, forgiveness itself remains incomprehensible in the context of one’s personality; it remains somehow connected with interpersonal relationships, and is applicable to oneself only in cases of very serious mistakes that are connected with offenses that have strong emotional consequences. But we are not as fluffy as we seem, and we commit many unacceptable actions, and the moment of self-forgiveness is an integral part of life.

The lack of self-forgiveness can be hidden from the person himself, especially if it is rooted in deep childhood and has become a habitual system of behavior and self-attitude, where there is a lack of self-acceptance and. Such a person is characterized by constant humiliation of himself, limiting his capabilities in the context of becoming happy, for which entire emotional and moral systems are built that provoke suffering. Having heard enough condemnation and prohibitions from an early age, when critical thinking perceives the assessments of adults as dogma, growing up, such a person becomes such a destructive parent for himself and continues to punish, forbidding him to show his true desires, adapting to those around him. Investing himself as wrong and unworthy does not allow him to accept his shortcomings and consider them as unique characteristics of his unique personality.

A lot of energy is spent on such a living arrangement, which gives rise to increasing resentment towards others, since they are constantly expected to stroke and support, which they do not receive (precisely from others, since they are the main indicator of acceptability). So in a person there is more and more frozenness, blocks, grievances, less and less living circulation and the ability to adaptively respond to changing conditions. But the problem is not in becoming as comfortable as possible for the outside world, because this remains fundamentally impossible, but in how to forgive oneself and accept with all the existing features in order to let in a feeling of life.

How to forgive yourself for past mistakes and start life with a clean slate

The importance of self-forgiveness may seem overblown, but it is directly related to a person's sense of self, since it allows one to accept oneself as the natural version and the vision of others.

Forgiving yourself allows you to clear the emotional sphere of negative experiences, at least in your own direction, which for some is the dominant component of experiences that are toxic if there is discontent, aggression, resentment and other negative feelings. Long-standing unforgiveness and non-acceptance of oneself leads to the development of psychosomatic disorders, destroys the system of social connections and the general structure of the personality.

By forgiving yourself, you let go of the past and open the door to new opportunities, so if you were waiting for a stable family life, and it collapsed with divorce several years ago, then there are several ways - scold yourself for not coping, look for missed moments and stop your life, or admit own mistakes. Forgive your weakness and start building new relationships or traveling the world, but getting rid of the heavy burden of dashed hopes. By letting go of the past by forgiving yourself, you give the future a chance to be realized faster. Even if you didn’t become an astronaut, you can sit and drink away this grief every evening, criticizing your lack of composure and inappropriate physical characteristics, or you can accept your shortcomings and become a coach for future space heroes. It may well be that what you can do by admitting your mistakes and accepting them will be much more fun and rewarding than self-deprecation about failure.

Having learned to forgive yourself, you can more easily endure your mistakes, quickly reorient yourself to correcting them, and after this comes an understanding and accepting attitude towards others. Relationships become warmer when two imperfect, but alive and capable of forgiving people meet, than when they enter into a fight who do not forgive mistakes either to themselves or to those around them - after this, only scorched earth remains, instead of feelings and human communication. The more claims and criticisms you have, the more conflict situations and clashes you will find in your interpersonal contacts. Many, trying to improve relationships, try to change their partner, but those who begin to treat themselves with more love, without trying to interfere in the life of another person, over time notice that the relationship itself has become better and more enjoyable for both.

Self-forgiveness helps you think differently about the failures that a priori will happen in life, because it is impossible to live it perfectly, but only now will it be possible to perceive these as lessons in development, and not as punishments and indicators of one’s unworthiness. A lighter attitude towards negativity in one’s own person prevents the emergence of severe emotional and physical blocks, and accordingly reduces the risk of somatic diseases, and releases a lot of energy spent on containment.

The past and its events influence the present, and the perception of this experience shapes the future. And if you treat the events of the past days as a reason to smile or be proud, then everything is fine, but not all events are like that, there are some that make you wake up in the middle of the night, form a negative self-perception and do not allow you to cross the line where a new life begins.

How to forgive yourself for the past can become a question for one evening, if the situation is not very dramatic and you have someone with whom to shed light on its dynamics, relieve feelings of guilt, or it can become a topic of work for several months, requiring the lifting of very old layers that influenced these events and sensations. Forgiveness is not a decision, or a momentary change in the situation, it is a process that is triggered by making a decision, requires a change in attitude, but still affects various areas of existence and takes time.

You need to figure out how to forgive yourself and move on, and in exactly this order, since starting a new life is impossible with a load of misunderstood lessons behind you and without letting go of what has long lost its relevance. Actions of the past, now diagnosed as erroneous, do not allow conscience to sleep peacefully because those actions no longer correspond to the real picture, i.e. your moral and ethical values have changed in such a way that your previous behavior or judgment is no longer acceptable. It is precisely this mechanism of personal development that gives rise to a feeling of guilt or for what we were before, because there is a reassessment of both events and manifestations of one’s personality, and while in the process of such transformation, one must remember the need to focus not on punishing and blaming oneself, It’s better to shift the focus of attention to the changes that have occurred. Noticing what has happened to your personality, that you now consider what you did to be wrong, drawing conclusions from all this and applying them to your future life is the first stage necessary in turning the page. Try to derive benefit from internal discomfort for further development, albeit not directly, but useful in terms of experience, even if then your reputation and social connections suffered, now you will be able to understand the mechanisms of such actions. In addition, some past actions make us feel ashamed not because our value system has undergone changes, but simply because they were committed out of ignorance, which, again, instead of blaming ourselves, should be considered as experience and knowledge for the future.

To live a new life, the events of the past must be left where they happened, and not dragged into each new day with an attempt to correct it, i.e. you need to start living differently right this second. The option of yet another resuscitation of a relationship with a person, where he cannot stand it and is rude, speaks of an unlearned experience of incompatibility and a desire to still correct oneself or a partner, to change the past from the present, but in reality this only stops development, turning life into Groundhog Day.

If you are wondering how to forgive yourself and move on, then start by drawing up a plan for a new life and the required changes. It is important to analyze the desired changes relative to the past, i.e. you mentally choose another job, another answer to the offender, another city, another road. You need to devote special time to something like this and let you feel what is happening to every cell of yours, imagining that changes have occurred. For many, this is a release of accumulated tension and a stimulus for real changes, when a clear realization comes that they were living an artificial and not entirely their life. But it is not necessary to actually change all the points that you wrote; some of them can be left as invaluable experience and inner wisdom. It’s hardly worth going to another country to give a different answer to a person’s question ten years ago, although the significance of this question may force you to buy a plane ticket and radically change your life - decide.

You will have to work with replaying negative situations in your head, since their constant presence only worsens the negative emotional state. Keep track of the moments at which these memories arise and try to control them, without immersing yourself as much as possible in experiencing guilt, but concentrating on logical analysis and drawing out the practical benefits of the experience, you can look at it from the outside to determine the degree of horror. The more often you turn on logical control over the thoughts that arise, the more benefits you will gain, and when you realize everything that this episode could teach you, it will automatically stop showing the unsightly picture.

Be patient with this process and don’t push yourself, your task is to give yourself love and understanding that any changes require time and a pause, patience and possible returns to the previous level. Change your concept now and choose to praise yourself for your accomplishments rather than scold yourself for not being able to forgive yourself quickly, then a new page in life will become closer.

Give yourself a reboot in order to separate a new period of life with external events - you can leave your usual city, change your surroundings, enroll in new courses or a psychological group. You can change your social circle or simply add new acquaintances and topics of interest, or you can change your appearance or give up something harmful. Anything that will signal you about the onset of a new life has a right to exist, even if it is a new country, even a toothbrush.

How to forgive yourself for past mistakes and start respecting yourself

How to forgive yourself for the past, if the mistakes made there completely killed you, perhaps destroyed important areas of your life or personality - the question is extremely difficult and is usually asked in a state of despair. Forgiveness does not promise that any emotion on the issue will disappear or that you will only be able to think about the topic. Forgiveness is a multifaceted category that affects various areas of the personality, its formation, complexes and traumas, so the process can be painful and lengthy, but definitely healing for the overall picture of human existence.

At the beginning, you will have to admit the fact of the event and competently accept your share of responsibility, and not what those around you will try to impart to you along the way. In order to Try to analyze the situation as objectively as possible, without falling into intolerable situations, in order to see the reasons for its occurrence, the dynamics of the course and options for a possible completion. This won't help right now, but it will help you draw conclusions and not repeat this in the future. A clear division of responsibility will help make emotions more manageable and they will have a vector. The blame for interactions and situations involving people can never rest entirely with one person. If you reach the idea of your full responsibility for what is happening in your reasoning, either dig deeper into the features of your personality associated with boundaries or go to, which will help delimit spheres of influence.

Remember that in that situation of the past, you did the most correct thing, even though from the present moment it may seem like a mistake. You could give up a vacation with your family and return to work, considering the order important, but in reality it turned out that it was nothing critical, but your offended spouse still remembers it to you. But, at that moment, you were guided by the desire not to lose a good position for the sake of your family. Or now you regret that you spent a lot of time enduring rudeness and rudeness from someone you know, hoping that they would change, wasting their nerves, but in that situation you did not yet know that it was useless. We regret many mistakes from the height of knowledge acquired over time. And at that time it was the best decision given the knowledge and experience that was available. Now, thanks to these mistakes, more experience will appear and this will not happen, but children do not scold themselves for not knowing the multiplication table.

Highlight the positive aspects of the situation - usually they lie deep and take time to realize. The loss of self-respect and the inability to continue to live with the burden of guilt from one’s own actions is a serious personal crisis that changes one’s worldview and contributes to the restructuring of value and semantic spheres. Perhaps such an event helped you see the true path that corresponds to your understanding and, through experiencing pain, turn towards it. Be careful, perhaps the feeling of guilt you experience is false and dictated by previous behavioral stereotypes. This happens if values change over time, but the person does not realize this (it may be uncomfortable to refuse to meet friends when choosing work, or not to help colleagues when choosing to spend time with family). All that is required here is awareness of your inner needs and regulation of life in accordance with them, and not maintaining the unnecessary course chosen decades ago.

Admitting your own mistakes does not make you a bad person, everyone makes mistakes, and actions can be negative, but not personality. It’s easier to forgive yourself when you have communication with people, where you can learn from other people’s experiences of mistakes and forgiveness, and see that not everyone is ideal. When you cannot accept yourself with love and forgiveness, you can start with those around you, using mirror images in internal and external relationships. The more you can forgive others and understand their mistakes, the more gentleness will appear towards yourself. Ask for forgiveness from others using the simplest and most honest words possible, no need to come up with long and clever speeches. In fact, most of the moments for which we reproach ourselves are related to other people, and you can receive your own forgiveness by receiving forgiveness from another. If this person is not within your reach or alive, then you can ask for forgiveness in your mental appeals or from his loved ones, as representatives of his will.

Self-respect comes with forgiveness, but to strengthen it, you need to work to internalize the experience, synchronize your words and actions, and prevent repetition. Respect is incompatible with (oneself and others), therefore, having done both good and bad, you need to find strength and admit your responsibility in this. Mistakes need to be corrected, and not reproach yourself in the evenings for them, and perfect blessings should be recognized, and not hidden in the closet. With this way of acting and relating, self-respect increases and the respect of other people appears.

How to forgive yourself and others

The moments of the ability to forgive oneself and forgive others are strongly interconnected, and, in principle, reflect the human ability to forgive, and the vector of its direction is secondary. That is why you can start developing the ability to forgive from the edge from which you are personally comfortable - from yourself or from others, and the rest will follow automatically. Many people believe that forgiveness is synonymous with truce and have been trying for a very long time to achieve such a state in situations that are not suitable for this. Forgiveness is not about a truce or the disappearance of negative feelings, rather it is about the ability to let go and simplify the situation, to remove yourself from it emotionally. It would be stupid to start making friends with someone who robbed your apartment, but it is quite possible to stop mentally returning to negative feelings and desires to restore justice. You should not try to remove negative feelings about rape, but you can reduce their affective impact and draw appropriate conclusions, without the admixture of emotions, in order to further change your life.

Recognition of any person as unique and valuable in the balance of positive and negative qualities that he possesses is the basis of acceptance, and, accordingly, forgiveness. Any actions assessed as unfavorable can only be so due to a person’s ignorance. So, constantly reminding yourself that perhaps this action was the most optimal in that situation and with the level of awareness that was and was the most positive. This approach is equally useful in assessing yourself and others.

The ability to forgive is the ability to move on through one’s own mistakes and betrayals of other people.

You can work with the process of forgiveness, both of yourself and others, quite successfully and quickly, using the help of specialists in the Gestalt approach and, it helps to relieve tension in this regard; you can choose prayers and consultations with priests, approaches of various esoteric schools according to your taste. In any concept that somehow concerns the soul, there will be techniques for working with grievances, since it is forgiveness that helps remove the heaviest burdens from the soul and move on. But not everyone chooses to use the help of a psychologist or a guru’s prescription as help, and not everyone chooses to forgive. Being offended can be beneficial, since many people feel sorry for such a person, help him, he can claim the unique sensitivity of his emotional sphere and other benefits, but with these secondary benefits he loses energy.

Recognizing the presence of resentment is the first step in getting rid of it. The next moment will be awareness and release of all stopped feelings. Resentment is stopped other feelings, usually of an aggressive nature, when we cannot express them openly because of love for or in front of the offender. Stopped emotions show where our boundaries were violated and they need to be implemented: shout in a vacant lot, beat a pillow, imagine together the stone of the one who offended you, and tell him everything without mincing words. It works the same way if you need to forgive yourself, you just need to express it to the circumstances that have developed in such a way that they have left you no other solutions. When the affective component is removed, a lot of energy spent on restraint is released and now with its help you can move on, i.e. look for the valuable experience this situation offers. You can forgive when you understand why this situation happened and what it teaches, perhaps you will understand how you need to reorient your life.

Learn to ask for forgiveness in small things (when you hit someone with your elbow or drank someone's juice, when you were five minutes late and when you forgot to call back) - this gives you an understanding of your influence on the situation and at the same time trains your ability to admit mistakes. In addition, someone who knows how to ask for forgiveness and does it often and casually will certainly not fall into more serious offenses and will appreciate such requests addressed to him.

Svetlana Rumyantseva

Guilt haunts 75% of people on the globe. Remorse haunts me day and night. They put pressure on the psyche, creating. The feeling of guilt becomes a weakness of a person, which is taken advantage of, because it is so easy to put pressure on a sore callus. What if there are several of them? And each of them prevents you from living fully? There is only one way out: learn to forgive yourself.

Where does the feeling of guilt for one's own actions come from?

Everyone has an ideal idea of society and themselves. This image is an impeccable picture that says what a person should be. The ideal determines what is permissible and what is not allowed, what qualities a “good” person should have and what qualities a “bad” person should have. He paints images of a respectable family man, a successful worker, a loving mother, and a skillful lover. Sigmund Freud called this part of a person’s personality the “Super-Ego”: shame, conscience, morality and the inner inquisitor, a merciless judge who punishes without investigation or trial.

The “Ideal-I” hides in the depths of the subconscious and is formed from childhood. First by parents, then by educators and teachers, and by the social environment. , which was supposed to help a person get comfortable in society, destroys the personality from the inside:

It punishes, but not for “bad” or “good” actions. Conscience pronounces a verdict for the discrepancy between reality and the ideal idea.
Feeling guilty is unreasonable. It does not allow you to think and analyze the situation, but only corrodes from the inside, sweeping aside all justificatory arguments.
Internal conflict. Negative, allowing conscience to continue its execution for new “offenses.”

Why is it important to forgive yourself?

Guilt provokes an internal conflict that destroys the psyche. Mental discomfort affects physical well-being: chronic diseases worsen, autonomic disorders develop, and nerves fail. Internal self-torture can lead to:

neuroses;
, psychological breakdowns;
painful self-control;
unsuccessful attempts to fit oneself into social standards;
self-pity, physiological and psychological weakness;
development;
anxiety, inferiority complex.

Blaming yourself without giving a single chance for forgiveness, you live in the past. Trying to justify someone else's opinion, a person cannot be himself. He is deprived of the right to his own thoughts, tastes and views on life. Happiness gradually slips away, the ability to rejoice, to be sincere, to show the real ones goes away. What remains are masks and moral masochism. What else can you call the state of self-torture?

It is impossible to correct the past. You can't build the future by thinking about it.

He ceases to adequately assess himself, the situation and the people around him, becoming easy prey for manipulators. Guilt does not require action. Remorse does not end with attempts to correct the situation and leads to a personal impasse. Why is this happening?

Looking for answers from the subconscious

At a subconscious level, feelings of guilt and fear are accepted as useful properties of the psyche. In reality, everything is different. The subconscious is afraid of change. it tries to create consistency. But the world does not stand still, people, society, living conditions change, even the weather is different every day. Guilt brings a person back, keeps him in the networks of the past in order to prevent changes from overwhelming the future.

Myths of the subconscious:

Protection.
In the subconscious mind, guilt reminds a person of bad actions that have harmed someone or caused a negative reaction from others. This is insurance against a similar situation happening again. In fact, fear is an unstable pillar of relationships. . Problems are solved by deeds, not by internal remorse.
Love.
Accepting guilt for his own imperfections, a person seeks forgiveness from loved ones. Repenting and suffering demonstrably, he strives for acceptance and love from others. In fact, he becomes so accustomed to his role that self-flagellation becomes the norm.
Humanity.
Ideally, guilt prevents you from forgetting compassion and harming another person. In reality, following this myth leads to dependence on the opinions of others. A person lives according to the desires of other people, forgetting about himself.
Engine of development.
By punishing himself for “bad” actions, a person hopes for further correction and change. He believes that a similar situation will not happen again, tries to insure himself against “inappropriate” behavior and lives in the past.

The feeling of guilt is cultivated in a person specifically to regulate his social behavior. Gradually it turns from a mythical protector into a real destroyer.

What prevents you from forgiving yourself?

Pride

The desire to be the best forces a person to set the bar too high for himself. Harsh criticism in assessing oneself and excessive loyalty to others is a sign of overgrown pride. It is born out of self-love, focusing only on your feelings and aspirations. Pride does not forgive one's own misdeeds.

Inferiority complex

Born from self-dislike. Such a person does not accept himself, he forgets about his needs, does not care about feelings. He is dependent on those around him, and the feeling of guilt further alienates him from his true self. Condemnation in the eyes of others, unjustified expectations of a mother or significant other remind us of our own “inferiority,” forcing us to suffer under the yoke of guilt.

Action.

Decide why forgiveness is important to you and what you need to let go of. Remember all the painful moments that cause feelings of guilt. Analyze the situation. What awakened your conscience? If these are unjustified expectations, feel free to forgive your own sins. If it was an act that caused pain or harm to another person, you can apologize or try to make amends.

The past should not interfere with the future. Let yourself go for a clean slate. Change your outlook on life. Mistakes are the engine of progress. Experience is more important than safe consistency. Action will not let you get hung up on the past; it is aimed at the future, and the path to it lies through the present.

Are your friends successful and wealthy, but you are not? Don't be self-deprecating. What is the reason for other people's success and your failures? Make an action plan, change, find a new job, get a good education. Live and move forward, and don't wait for someone to take the first step and ease your conscience.

Letting go of the past.

The world is imperfect. There are no perfect people. There are no exceptions to this rule. Why blame yourself for all your personal and other people's failures? The actions of many people, not just your personal efforts, lead to one mistake. There is no need to return to the failures of the past. If they bother you too often, analyze the painful situations. Conscious conclusions will help you avoid making repeated mistakes in the future and will correct your behavior. Forgiving yourself is the beginning of a new life. Think about whether something can be fixed at the moment. If not, move on.

Analyze the past. Sometimes feelings of guilt arise for no apparent reason. Find your starting point. For example, you have a few extra pounds, and you blame yourself for your weakness and inability to get rid of them. But ? Think about when this idea was born in your mind, who put it there. Most painful thoughts are suggested to a person from the outside. Some thin, beautiful classmate pointed her finger at a plump girl and laughed. She sowed a seed that grew into a huge one. It puts pressure on the psyche, forcing a person to strive for other people's ideals.

When an attempt to change oneself according to another person's standards ends in failure, a feeling of guilt awakens. And beauty doesn't come in weight. It is complexes that make a person ugly, not extra pounds. Each girl has her own structure. What suits a beauty with an asthenic physique will not look good on a beautiful lady from a painting by Rubens, and vice versa.

Forgive others and ask for forgiveness yourself

Forgiving yourself is more difficult than forgiving another person, but you should start with an easier step. Let go of negativity caused by other people. Learn to apologize when you're wrong. When you are forgiven, it is easier to let go of guilt and not reproach yourself for what you did.

You need simple words, backed up with actions. Don’t hide your apology behind ambiguous phrases, don’t evade or hide, then your conscience will have fewer reasons for “punishment.”

If you had a fight with a close friend, do not reproach yourself in vain. Look at the situation from the outside. What do you feel guilty about? Apologize. Try to correct the situation.

Be responsible

Admit your mistakes. But only them and no one else! Learn to be honest with yourself and admit to ulterior motives. It's stupid to make excuses to others, but making excuses for yourself is even stupider. Accept your role in events that make you feel guilty. Leave negativity in the past.

If guilt torments you for hidden desires and thoughts, admit them to yourself. Embrace them fully. Hidden motives come to light during the development of internal conflict under the guise of other aspirations. For example, specifically looking for reasons, but in reality he has an unbearable desire to hit his boss.

Accept yourself

Be aware of your beliefs and characteristics. Decide what is important to you, what your . Separate your desires from the expectations of others. Whatever is legal and does not harm other people is right and should not be condemned. Don't try to fit into other people's standards. Some people like broccoli, some like pies, some like noisy companies, and some like quiet evenings. Be natural and listen to yourself and your desires. Don't let others impose their opinions and tastes on you. Your value is your uniqueness.

What can't you blame yourself for?

You are not responsible for the perception of your interlocutor. It's not your fault if he misunderstood something. You are not responsible for his reaction. Leave your interlocutor’s internal conflicts and problems to him and do not take other people’s reactions to heart.
Don't blame yourself for mistakes. Our school years taught us to have a red pen in the margins and grades. Life doesn’t set marks, it doesn’t have a five-point scale or a program that must be followed. Here and now you create the future, and if you don’t want to repeat the past, don’t torment yourself with memories of what has already happened. It's impossible to predict everything.
You are not responsible for other people's feelings and actions. Each person has his own upbringing and idea of life. Information about the world around us comes to consciousness through the individual prism of perception. If a person sees everything in a different light and acts according to his own beliefs, it is not your fault.
It is not your fault if you cannot do something. A person cannot be able to do everything. Learn and be persistent. If you fail again, find other ways to solve the problem. As Einstein said, it is foolish to judge the intelligence of a fish by having it climb a tree.
Don't punish yourself for breakdowns, failures, misunderstandings. What has happened has passed. Self-punishment will not help you become a better person or change the past.

Forgive yourself, don't let guilt control you, and you will discover a new future in which there will be no place for the ghosts of the past.

March 2, 2014, 12:43 pm

American psychologist Fred Laskin For many years he has been studying the situations of people who find it difficult to forgive themselves. They are tormented by remorse, delving into past failures and reveling in their insignificance. Each of us, perhaps, has experienced such a state. How to get out of an overly melancholic state and forgive yourself in order to relieve stress after a conflict, for example? The psychologist, based on observations, gives instructions for action.

So you've already done something bad:

You spent half the money you intended to buy food for the month on a new coat;
- didn’t get to the football match in which your son is participating;
- when the cat’s screams began to get on your nerves, you let him out into the street to get rid of the feeling of irritation, where he immediately got hit by a car.

It's hard to forgive yourself. You think your family and friends would never forgive you if they knew half of what you do. Unfortunately, you know the whole truth. And the most disgusting thing is that this feeling of guilt lies like a stone on your heart, and you burn with shame. God can forgive you. But how can you forgive yourself?..

Probably one of the few people who can tell you about this is psychologist Fred Luskin, PhD, director of the Forgiveness Project at Stanford University (USA). Laskin has been conducting research and workshops on the practice of forgiveness in California for many years. He works:

With husbands who cheated on their wives;
- with women who cheated on their men;
- with children who abandoned their parents;
- with fathers and mothers who abandoned their babies.

According to the psychologist, the most difficult thing about forgiving ourselves, oddly enough, is that we tend to wallow in our own feelings of guilt. "It's not a case of us feeling bad because we know we did something wrong," he explains. Everyone makes mistakes. But some of us actually wrap ourselves in these negative feelings like a blanket, cover our heads and refuse to stop crying.

If you find it very difficult to forgive yourself, then know that you are not alone. Let the howls be reserved for the victim, not the culprit, right? But some of us try to use these negative feelings as a kind of talisman to neutralize the consequences of our own actions, Laskin says. We curl up into a ball and say: “Look how bad I feel! Look how I suffer! You can feel sorry for me! I’m a pathetic creature! There is no greater punishment than this; it won’t be fair!”

We curl up into a ball and say: “Look how bad I feel! Look how I suffer! You can feel sorry for me! I’m a pathetic creature!”

"It's a perverted form of repentance," Laskin adds. Many people decide: it’s my fault, so I’ll punish myself. They do not want to act constructively, for example: taking responsibility for their actions; eliminate the consequences of the damage caused; correct mistakes.

It's not just about you. Unfortunately, deciding to be unhappy for the rest of your life can have tragic consequences, and not always in obvious ways.

On the one hand, suffering loves the audience. “If you continue to engage in self-flagellation, then a loved one will fall under your hot hand,” explains Laskin. It's unavoidable. Anyone who wallows in their guilt is more withdrawn, more demanding, and less open than usual. And those around you (be it your spouse, children, parents, friends, even your dog) will suffer along with you.

Our thoughts influence our body very strongly. That feeling of guilt that you cultivate in yourself is transformed into chemicals that affect vital organs. How does guilt affect the physiological level?

The pulse quickens;
- blood pressure increases;
- digestion is disturbed;
- muscles tense;
- increased cholesterol in the blood;
- the ability to think clearly decreases.

And every time you remember your bad deed and wince, these negative feelings again cause the appearance of harmful chemicals in the body.

At one time, scientists conducted research on how useful forgiveness is. Scientists have begun to suspect that those who have difficulty forgiving themselves are more likely to experience: a heart attack; with high blood pressure; with symptoms of depression.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Psychologist Laskin spent years studying how people learn to forgive themselves and others from his cramped office. He puts his soul into studying this issue, and besides, it is very interesting to him.

“Forgiveness is the tool we use when we look back at our past: we did something bad once, admitted our mistakes and now move on.”, says the doctor. “This does not mean that you are condoning or making excuses. It does not mean that you have forgotten all the bad things. “Remember the saying, “Everything happens for a reason”?” asks the doctor. “Yes, there are times when we suffer and regret something. This must also be present. But such times also end. The world does not stand still. And we need to move on together with our planet.”

We present to your attention 12 steps to action on how to learn to forgive yourself.

1. Divide bad behavior into groups

"Most of us have a hard time forgiving ourselves when we've done one of the four things below," Laskin says.

You are unable to accomplish some vital task, such as improving your marriage and revitalizing your relationship.

As a result of your actions, the other person became offended.

You have harmed yourself through your lifestyle: for example, by drinking a lot of alcohol or doing something else that could be considered self-destructive.

You didn’t do what was necessary (in your opinion) - for example, you should have intervened in a family dispute or saved money for your child to study.

“When we group bad deeds, we are already in the process of forgiving ourselves,” the psychologist emphasizes. This allows:

Divide the action into several parts;
- look at them;
- step back a little;
- begin healing the consciousness.

2. Tell me about your feelings

“Articulate exactly what you did wrong and what harm it caused. Tell a couple of close people about what you did to get their support, help and advice on improving the situation,” advises the psychologist.

When we share something, it reminds us that everyone makes mistakes. “We often think that we are alone in our suffering, but this only makes it more difficult to forgive ourselves,” the expert adds. When we admit that we did something wrong, then we will not slide into: denial; into suppression; into repression; into oblivion.

3. Understand what you want

You don't have to make peace with the person you offended:

You just don't want to feel shame;
- you are trying to get rid of guilt;
- you want to find peace of mind;
- you want to level up your condition.

By the way, scientists say that when a person forgives an insult, he drives away the disease.

4. Admit that your expectations are far from reality

Most of us have a certain set of unconscious rules that exist in the subconscious: about what actions we expect from ourselves. We absorbed many of these attitudes in childhood; moreover, they were not formed by us, but imposed from the outside. And it is worth recognizing that a set of such rules does not always correspond to reality.

5. Determine the degree of your pain

Recognize that when you think about your wrongdoing, feelings of resentment, thoughts of guilt, and signs of stress are causing you mental pain—whether you did it two minutes ago or it's been 10 years, Laskin says. It is your reaction to wrongdoing today that is causing the problem. This is a habit that needs to be broken.

6. Press the stop button

When you replay the events of the past in your head over and over again, it still will not help either you or the person you offended. Therefore, every time you catch yourself replaying your sins in your mind, just stop. Turn your attention to something more positive (for example, good habits that will change your life).

7. Sorry!

If you can't forgive yourself for something you did to another person, sometimes simply apologizing sincerely is enough to make the situation better. Apologies are most effective when made in the first person, of course. But if this cannot be done, think about how you can apologize in a humorous way. One woman who needed to apologize to her husband sent him a copy of the game "Sorry!" (Sorry!) along with a note asking: Shall we play together? Her husband responded by sending Brenda Lee's song "Sorry." Isn't that great?

8. Practice the technique of mental contemplation

Psychologist Laskin developed a technique of mental contemplation lasting 45 minutes. It is needed whenever you begin to punish yourself again for old sins. The technique can be called a meditation against depression, troubles and guilt. Just close your eyes, breathe deeply. Imagine that as you inhale, you gently push your stomach out, and then slowly exhale and relax your stomach. Breathe deeply into your stomach again (inhale - exhale).

According to Laskin, during the third deep breath you need to create:

Mental image of the person you love;
- a beautiful place in nature that will delight you;
- beautiful beach;
- a path through a majestic forest;
- Mountain Creek.

Breathe deeply and mentally contemplate the natural beauty around you. Notice how you feel and allow those feelings to fill your heart area.

Now ask yourself what you can do to feel better. Then, when you have received the answer, open your eyes and take action.

9. Get better

"To make amends, find a way to be kind to the person you hurt," Laskin says. If you've spent half of your family's monthly food budget on a new coat, cook the tastiest dish you can for your loved ones. Didn't manage to fully attend your son's match? Agree with the coach to work as his assistant for free next year. By the way, scientists say that kindness is similar to sex, because similar reactions appear in the human brain during sex and at the moment of kindness. So your mood will definitely improve after doing a good, kind deed!

Even if the person you hurt is dead or otherwise absent from your life now, you can still make amends and act kindly towards another person, Laskin says. "Think you were a bad mom? Okay, you can't go back and change things now, but you can be a good grandma! Do good and then you won't feel bad," Laskin says. Not only do you forgive yourself, but doing good deeds will change your life for the better.

10. Lose the wicked witch's talismans

11. Evaluate yourself objectively

Once a day, think about all the good deeds you have done today:

Helped the owner find his dog;
- diverted the attention of a crying child so that his mother could eat lunch;
- we went to the dry cleaner to pick up our loved one’s clothes so that he could play sports.

Think about it and you will realize that you have become an amazing person! Yes, if, thanks to scientists, genes of kindness have been discovered, this means that, thanks to genes, someone, in principle, has more mercy, generosity and compassion, but nothing prevents you from identifying the lack of warmth and kindness in yourself and starting to develop it!

12. Take a break!

When we feel bad about our past actions, it poisons our present. So while you're learning how to forgive yourself and move on, give your mind and body a gift and give yourself a break from feelings of shame and guilt, replacing them with feelings of gratitude, Laskin says. Words of gratitude improve well-being, scientifically proven.

Here's how a psychologist suggests developing a sense of gratitude:

Take a walk to the nearest supermarket and give thanks for the abundance of food freely available;
- go to a nursing home or hospital and thank the Universe for having good health;
- while driving, mentally thank every driver who follows the traffic rules;
- if you now have a person who occupies an important place in your life, thank him or her for taking care of you every day;
- pay attention to the seller in the store who is waiting for you to contact him. Thank you to the sellers for the help they provide you;
- when you wake up every morning, be grateful to the Universe for breathing and for giving you life;
- do not forget that it is much better to do good deeds than to feel bad.

Feeling gratitude helps develop optimism and has a beneficial effect on mental balance. When we perceive our mistakes as valuable experience, and all the people along our path as teachers, life is transformed because our overall attitude towards the world and ourselves changes. Guilt has a devastating effect on any person. That’s why it’s so important to look for support in yourself, forgive yourself and others, and give thanks for everything in life: both good and bad.

American psychologist Fred Laskin has been studying the situations of people who find it difficult to forgive themselves for many years. They are tormented by remorse, delving into past failures and reveling in their insignificance. Each of us, perhaps, has experienced such a state. How to get out of an overly melancholy state and forgive yourself, for example? The psychologist, based on observations, gives instructions for action.

So you've already done something bad:

you spent half the money intended to buy food for the month on a new coat;
didn't make it to the football match your son is participating in;
When the cat's screams began to get on your nerves, you let him out into the street, where he immediately got hit by a car.

with husbands who cheated on their wives;
with women who cheated on their men;
with children who abandoned their parents;
with fathers and mothers who abandoned their babies.

According to the psychologist, the most difficult thing about forgiving ourselves, oddly enough, is that we tend to wallow in our own. "It's not a case of us feeling bad because we know we did something wrong," he explains. Everyone makes mistakes. But some of us actually wrap ourselves in these negative feelings like a blanket, cover our heads and refuse to stop crying.

We curl up into a ball and say: “Look how bad I feel! Look how I suffer! You can feel sorry for me! I’m a pitiful creature!

"It's a twisted form of repentance," Laskin adds. Many people decide: it’s my fault, so I’ll punish myself. They do not want to act constructively, for example:

take responsibility for your actions;
eliminate the consequences of the damage caused;
correct mistakes.

It's not just about you

Unfortunately, deciding to be unhappy for the rest of your life can have tragic consequences, and not always in obvious ways.

Our thoughts influence our body very strongly. That feeling of guilt that you cultivate in yourself is transformed into chemicals that affect vital organs. How does guilt affect the physiological level?

pulse quickens;
blood pressure increases;
digestion is disrupted;
muscles tense;
increased blood cholesterol;
The ability to think clearly decreases.

And every time you remember your bad deed and wince, these negative feelings again cause the appearance of harmful chemicals in the body.

At one time, scientists conducted research on how useful forgiveness is. Scientists have begun to suspect that those who have difficulty forgiving themselves are more likely to experience:

with a heart attack;
with high blood pressure;

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the tool we use when we look back at our past: we did something bad once, admitted our mistakes and now move on,” says the doctor. “This does not mean that you are condoning or making excuses. It does not mean that you have forgotten all the bad things. “Remember the saying, “Everything happens for a reason”?” asks the doctor. “Yes, there are times when we suffer and regret something. This must also be present. But such times also end. The world does not stand still. And we need to move on together with our planet.”

We bring to your attention 12 steps to action on how to learn to forgive yourself.

1. Divide bad actions into groups

"Most of us have a hard time forgiving ourselves when we've done one of the four things described below," Laskin says.

You are unable to complete some vital task, for example, improve relationships in marriage and;
As a result of your actions, another person was offended;
you have harmed yourself with your lifestyle: for example, you drank a lot of alcohol or did something else that could be considered self-destructive;
you didn’t do what was necessary (in your opinion) - for example, you should have intervened in a family dispute or saved money for your child to study.

“When we group bad actions, we are already in the process of forgiving ourselves,” the psychologist emphasizes. This allows:

divide the action into several parts;
look at them;
pull back a little;
start healing consciousness.

2. Talk about your feelings

in denial;
into suppression;
into repression;
into oblivion.

3. Know what you want

You don't have to make peace with the person you offended:

you just don't want to feel shame;
you are trying to get rid of guilt;
you want to find peace;
you want to improve your condition.

By the way, scientists say that when a person, he drives away the disease.

4. Admit that your expectations are far from reality.

For example, when my friend Susan's mother suffered a stroke, Susan felt pressured to invite her mother to move into her daughter's home. A daughter always takes care of her mother, doesn't she? But her mother was always an absolutely unhappy person. Nothing made her happy. She only expressed criticism, uttered insults or complained. The tone of her voice was completely repulsive. Perhaps her intention was to express contempt for every person who was nearby.

Susan's friends and husband helped Susan realize that she should not fill her own home with such harmful energy, even from a loved one. So she helped her mother move into a nursing home. There are many helpers there who are ready to respond morning, noon and night.

5. Determine the degree of your pain

Realize that when you think about your wrongdoing, it is the feelings of resentment and thoughts of your own guilt that cause you mental pain - regardless of whether you did it 2 minutes ago or 10 years have passed, Laskin says. It is your reaction to wrongdoing today that is causing the problem. This is a habit that needs to be broken.

6.Press the stop button

When you replay the events of the past in your head over and over again, it still will not help either you or the person you offended. So every time you catch yourself replaying your sins in your mind, just stop. Turn your attention to something more positive (for example, good habits that will change your life).

7. Sorry!

8. Practice the technique of mental contemplation

Psychologist Laskin developed a technique of mental contemplation lasting 45 minutes. It is needed whenever you begin to punish yourself again for old sins. The technique can also be called feelings of guilt. Just close your eyes, breathe deeply. Imagine that as you inhale, you gently push your stomach out, and then slowly exhale and relax your stomach. Breathe deeply into your stomach again (inhale - exhale).

According to Laskin, during the third deep breath you need to create:

a mental image of the person you love;
a beautiful place in nature that will leave you in awe;
beautiful beach;
a path through a majestic forest;
Mountain Creek.

Breathe deeply and mentally contemplate the natural beauty around you. Notice how you feel and allow those feelings to fill your heart area.

Now ask yourself what you can do to feel better. Then, when you have received the answer, open your eyes and take action.

9. Get better

"To make amends, find a way to be kind to the person you hurt," Laskin says. If you've spent half of your family's monthly food budget on a new coat, cook the tastiest dish you can for your loved ones. Didn't manage to fully attend your son's match? Agree with the coach to work as his assistant for free next year. By the way, scientists say that, because similar reactions appear in the human brain during sex and at the moment of showing kindness. So your mood will definitely improve after doing a good, kind deed!

10. Lose the wicked witch talismans

Once you have made amends, stop telling yourself the old fairy tale in which you play the role of the Wicked Witch. Start telling yourself a new story: one in which, despite your human weaknesses, you do everything in your power to become a generous person. As for Susan, the heroine of our article, she has undergone changes. When she learned to forgive herself for moving her mother to a nursing home, she learned to forgive her for her childhood, for the lack of warm words. Today, Susan visits her mother once a week and calls her every few days. And although her mother acts as unfriendly as usual (there are some things that do not change), never before have these two women been so close.

11. Evaluate yourself objectively

Once a day, think about all the good deeds you have done today:

helped the owner find his dog;
diverted the attention of a crying child so that his mother could eat lunch;
We went to the dry cleaner to pick up our loved one’s clothes so that he could play sports.

Think about it and you will realize that you have become an amazing person! Yes, if thanks to scientists they have been discovered, this means that, thanks to genes, someone, in principle, has more mercy, generosity and compassion, but nothing prevents you from identifying the lack of warmth and kindness in yourself and starting to develop it!

12. Take a break!

Here's how a psychologist suggests developing a sense of gratitude:

take a walk to the nearest supermarket and give thanks for the abundance of food freely available;
go to a nursing home or hospital and thank the Universe that you are in good health;
while driving, mentally thank every driver who follows the rules of the road;
If you now have someone who occupies an important place in your life, thank him or her for taking care of you every day;
pay attention to the seller in the store who is waiting for you to contact him. Thank you to the sellers for the help they provide you;
when you wake up every morning, be grateful to the Universe for breathing and for giving you life;
Do not forget that it is much better to do good deeds than to feel bad.

From the previous Holy Week until recently, I did something like the following: I was hysterical, hurt loved ones, did not notice the needs of my family, and then, slightly coming to my senses, manically asked everyone for forgiveness, simultaneously blaming myself for everything - real and invented by my own painful consciousness.

I remember the time clearly because it was then that the brakes failed. I sat online and was not distracted by anything else. Neither for my little daughter, nor for other worries. Then somehow the realization came that “something was wrong.” And I began to harass everyone with this very “sorry.”

Why did I ask for forgiveness? For hysterics and inattention. For insensitivity and evil actions. I asked. Sincerely. And she couldn’t calm down, even seeing that people... didn’t even think of being offended. It seemed to me that this was all “in words”, but “in reality” no one wanted to know me after all these hysterics and other behavior of that time.

But I continued to torment myself with a feeling of guilt for everything, and others with my: “I’m sorry.” I came up with explanations for myself - one more beautiful than the other. Either I’m playing too much, then I’m too selfish, then I’m depressed, then I’m “understandably tired after childbirth,” or I’m completely “rude because I didn’t read the morning rule that day.” And she blamed herself for everything.

It all ended unpleasantly, but usefully. For some reason I told one of the eternal recipients of this “sorry” that she herself was creating the feeling of guilt for me. At that moment I was tired of this eternal feeling of guilt, self-criticism and the persistent feeling: “I ruined all my friendships.” I couldn’t stand it and decided to shift some of the blame onto my neighbor. To which I received not the usual silence in response to a vague “forgive me, a fool, a sinner,” but a rather sharp rebuke: “I didn’t create any feelings of guilt for you and, you know, I don’t want to communicate after such words.”

It felt so strange to me. After all, I feel guilty about everything in front of everyone, in front of her in particular and even especially, and no one... no one understands this impulse of mine, accepts it or responds in any way.

After this conversation, I forbade myself from succumbing to this self-criticism and voluptuously looking for new explanations for my hysterics and condition, and then somehow it slowly became clear to me that I should forgive not just anyone, but only myself.

Forgive for hysterics, weakness and inattention to others. Understand why it was all like this. Without self-pity, just to “fix” it – it wasn’t easy for me, I couldn’t cope with some of life’s challenges, I’m weak.

But what does “forgive” mean? Don’t forget this, of course, and continue to behave the same way. Draw conclusions and try to move on, without looking back at the period when you could worry about the fact that someone did not answer the letter, while not noticing your daughter’s sobs next to you.

Any act of forgiveness is not just words that cannot be applied to oneself. Artificially say to yourself: “I have forgiven you, dear.” No, this is an active process. This is the process of changing yourself and your behavior. In relation to yourself and others.

There is no need to sigh dramatically: “I’m a bad mother.” If you continue to ignore your child's sobs, you will be an even worse mother. Conscious of her “badness” and doing nothing about it. A child does not need a mother who only verbally admits her mistakes. My eldest tells me that I don’t smile at him much. And no matter how much I repeat to him: “Yes, I’m wrong,” nothing will change until I am able to sincerely smile at him.

You don’t have to beat yourself up over what a bad journalist and editor you are. As long as you continue not to write and miss all deadlines, you will continue to be a bad journalist and editor, no matter how much and how sincerely you say what a bad specialist you are.

And there’s no need to beat yourself in the chest: “I’m a bad Christian.” Bad, of course. What else can you call a person who wakes up to Sunday liturgies every week? Well, who will benefit from this fruitless self-flagellation? Does the Lord expect this from us? Don't think. Christianity is not about that at all. This is the way of life of active people, and not of self-deprecating subjects who, at the same time, do not change anything in their lives and are not even going to move towards Him.

But in order to stop all this self-criticism, you need to forgive yourself. Admit weakness. Admit imperfection. In order to move on. In order to become at least a little better mother, journalist and at least a little closer to the point where it would not be so embarrassing to talk about yourself as a Christian.

This is the mood before Forgiveness Resurrection. I’ll probably refrain from sending “sorry” messages to different people. However, I never really did them. But I will also refrain from “sorry” for the hundredth time to those whom I really offended. Only by deeds can one ask for forgiveness. Both for yourself and for others. Your different state, your attention, your active love.

Cold War: global confrontation between the USSR and the USA

Divya and div, Slavic gods symbolizing day and night